How to Help Your Teen or Young Adult Find Their People (And Why It Starts With Knowing Themselves)

When your teen or college student is struggling to make friends, the answer isn't always to put themselves out there more. Sometimes it starts with discovering who they really are.

Your son has been away at college for a couple of months. You call to check in, ask about classes, and eventually get around to the question you've been wanting to ask: "Have you made any good friends yet?"

There's a pause. Maybe a shrug. "Not really."

Or perhaps your daughter is in high school, surrounded by people every day, but somehow feels more alone than ever. She has acquaintances, group chats, and people she sits with at lunch, but you're beginning to wonder whether she has anyone she can truly be herself around.

As parents, these moments can be heartbreaking. We want our kids to feel connected, included, supported, and excited about their lives. We want them to have friendships that bring out the best in them, people they can laugh with, lean on, and share experiences with. And when that isn't happening, our instinct is often to jump in with suggestions. Join a club. Go to that party. Talk to someone in class. Put yourself out there.

But what if we're starting in the wrong place?

How can you help your teen or college student make friends? Start by helping them understand their interests, values, and strengths. Encourage them to explore environments that reflect who they are, practice meaningful conversations, and take small, consistent steps toward connection. Lasting friendships aren't simply about meeting more people. They're built through shared experiences, authenticity, mutual interest, and the willingness to show up.

At Extraordinary Purpose, we work with teens, young adults, and parents navigating these exact challenges. Through our Life Coaching for Young Adults, we help college students and young adults discover who they are, develop confidence, and build meaningful connections. In fact, this topic has been coming up frequently in our conversations with families lately, especially with parents whose college students are struggling socially after those first few months away from home.

And something we've learned through our coaching, as well as raising four kids of our own, is that finding your people isn't simply about meeting more people. It's about discovering who you are, learning to show up authentically, and intentionally creating a life that brings the right people into it.

That's a very different approach. And it can change far more than someone's social life.

THE EXTRAORDINARY PURPOSE PERSPECTIVE

You don't have to become someone else to find your people. You have to discover more of who you already are—and become confident enough to share that person with the world.

Want to explore this conversation further? In our latest episode of the Extraordinary Purpose: Parenting Teens & Young Adults podcast, we share real stories, coaching insights, and practical ways to help young people build confidence, make meaningful connections, and find their people.

Listen to the Podcast Episode: How to Find Your People in College and Young Adulthood 

 

Why Making Friends in College and Young Adulthood Can Feel So Difficult

Think about how friendships develop when our kids are younger. Throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school, many of their relationships happen almost automatically. They're surrounded by the same people, attending the same classes, participating in activities together, and spending years in familiar environments. Friendships often develop through proximity rather than intention.

Then college happens.

Suddenly, they're surrounded by thousands of unfamiliar faces, navigating a completely new environment, managing their own schedules, and trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. And somewhere in the middle of all that, they're expected to know how to build an entirely new social world.

For some young adults, that transition happens relatively naturally. For others, it can be incredibly overwhelming. They may know how to study, attend classes, and complete assignments, but nobody has really taught them how to intentionally meet people, start meaningful conversations, develop friendships, or find communities where they feel like they belong.

The same challenges can happen after college, when young adults move to new cities, begin their careers, or realize their old friendships no longer fit the lives they're creating. And we're seeing it with our own teenagers as they navigate high school, new activities, and changing friend groups.

Technology adds another layer. Our kids have more ways to communicate than any generation before them, yet those digital interactions don't necessarily help them develop the confidence or conversational skills needed to build deeper relationships. It's possible to be constantly connected online while feeling disconnected in everyday life.

Here's what we want parents to understand: Struggling to make friends doesn't necessarily mean your teen or young adult lacks social skills or confidence. Sometimes they simply haven't learned how to intentionally create the relationships they want.

And that's something they can learn.

 

The Biggest Mistake: Trying to Fit In Before Knowing Who You Are

Erin recently had a conversation with a mom whose son was having a difficult time finding his place in college. Like many students, he'd joined a fraternity because he assumed that's what he was supposed to do. His parents had experienced Greek life themselves, and it seemed like a natural way for him to make friends.

Except it wasn't natural for him.

He was a thoughtful, sensitive, empathetic young man who kept finding himself in environments that didn't reflect his personality or values. He tried to make it work, gave it another chance, and continued feeling worse about himself when things didn't click.

The problem wasn't necessarily that he needed to try harder. He was trying to belong somewhere that didn't feel like him.

We see versions of this all the time. Young adults choose activities, social groups, careers, and even relationships based on what their friends are doing, what their parents experienced, or what they believe they're supposed to do. And when those environments don't feel right, they often turn the disappointment inward.

Why can't I make friends? Why am I so awkward? Why does everyone else seem to have this figured out?

But what if we helped them ask a different question?

 

What if you simply haven't found the right people and environments for who you really are?

 

That shift in perspective can be incredibly empowering. Instead of treating every disappointing social experience as a personal failure, young people can begin seeing those experiences as opportunities to learn more about themselves. What felt good? What didn't? What kind of people did they enjoy being around? What might they want to try differently?

Of course, some experiences are genuinely painful, and we never want to minimize that. But helping our kids reflect on what they've learned, rather than allowing those experiences to define them, can be an important part of developing self-awareness and resilience.

And this brings us to where we believe the entire process should begin.

 

1. Finding Your People Starts With Finding Yourself

At Extraordinary Purpose, everything we do begins with identity. Before we help a young adult figure out where they're going, we want to help them understand who they are.

We call this developing an Empowered Identity—a clearer, more confident understanding of your values, strengths, interests, personality, and the unique qualities that make you who you are.

It's the foundation of our first coaching pillar: Self-Discovery.

One of the exercises we use in our coaching is helping young people identify what we call their Signature Ingredients. These are the characteristics, interests, values, passions, and qualities that make them one of a kind. Some of these ingredients are obvious. Others are things they've never really stopped to think about.

Maybe your daughter loves being outdoors, has a wonderful sense of humor, cares deeply about animals, and enjoys thoughtful conversations. Maybe your son is naturally creative, loves technology, enjoys fitness, and would rather have two meaningful friendships than twenty casual acquaintances.

These details matter because they begin pointing toward the people, places, and experiences where authentic connections are more likely to develop.

Someone who loves the outdoors might find their people through a hiking group, running club, or outdoor adventure organization. Someone who's passionate about entrepreneurship might feel energized attending a student business club or networking event. Someone who loves art might discover an entirely new community through photography, theater, or a creative workshop.

And here's something we remind parents: Your teen or young adult doesn't need to know exactly who they are or what they want to do with their life before they begin exploring. In fact, exploration is often how they discover those answers.

 

The goal isn't to have everything figured out. It's to become curious enough about yourself to start making more intentional choices.

 

A Simple Self-Discovery Exercise to Try Together

Instead of asking your teen or young adult why they haven't made more friends, try exploring a few different questions:

• When do you feel most like yourself?

• What kinds of activities, conversations, or experiences genuinely energize you?

• What qualities do you appreciate most in other people?

• What makes you different or unique?

• Where might you meet people who share some of those interests or values?

Don't turn this into another assignment or interrogation. Make it a conversation. Share your own answers, too. The goal is to help them begin noticing who they are and what matters to them.

 

2. Help Them Develop the Confidence to Show Up as Themselves

Once young people begin developing a stronger sense of identity, something interesting can happen. They start becoming more comfortable sharing that identity with the world.

This is where we introduce another important concept in our coaching: personal branding.

When we talk about personal branding, young adults sometimes think we're referring to LinkedIn profiles, resumes, or professional networking. And while those things can be part of it, your personal brand is so much bigger than that.

Your personal brand is your voice, your message, your personality, your values, and how you show up in the world. It's the outward expression of who you are, and it influences how you connect with people personally and professionally.

Think about a young adult who walks into a room already convinced they're awkward, boring, or not interesting enough. They might avoid eye contact, stay quiet, or spend the entire time worrying about what other people think. They're so focused on how they're being perceived that they never really give anyone the opportunity to know them.

Now imagine that same young adult beginning to recognize their strengths, appreciate their personality, and become more comfortable sharing their interests, opinions, and experiences. They don't suddenly have to become the loudest person in the room. They don't have to transform from an introvert into an extrovert. They simply begin showing up more authentically.

This is something Erin works on frequently with the young women she coaches—developing a healthier relationship with themselves, becoming more aware of negative self-talk, and learning to appreciate the qualities that make them unique. Chris sees similar challenges with young men who are constantly comparing themselves to others academically, socially, or professionally.

And here's the beautiful thing: when young people stop focusing so much on how they measure up to everyone else, they can begin recognizing what makes them different—and why those differences are worth sharing.

A REMINDER WORTH SHARING

Confidence isn't about walking into a room believing everyone will like you. It's about becoming comfortable enough with yourself that you no longer need everyone to.

 

3. Find the Right Environments, Not Just More Social Events

Once young people begin understanding themselves, the next step is creating direction.

This is our second coaching pillar: Direction.

Instead of randomly attending events and hoping to meet someone, we encourage young adults to become intentional about the environments they're choosing. Where are the people who share their interests? What groups might introduce them to new ideas? What activities would they genuinely enjoy even if they didn't immediately make a friend?

These questions take some of the pressure off the outcome.

If your son joins a running club because he enjoys running, he's already doing something meaningful to him. If your daughter attends a photography workshop because she's curious about photography, she's gaining an experience she values. The friendships that might develop become an additional opportunity rather than the only measure of success.

And sometimes the right environment isn't obvious until they try something new.

For teens, that might mean exploring school clubs, sports, volunteering, creative activities, or student leadership. For teens struggling with confidence, friendships, or finding their place, our Life Coaching for Teens helps them discover their strengths, build self-belief, and take meaningful steps toward becoming who they want to be.

For college students, it might mean joining interest-based organizations, attending campus events, participating in recreational sports, or becoming involved in a community cause. For young adults beginning their careers, it might mean professional associations, fitness communities, local events, alumni groups, or simply reconnecting with people they've lost touch with.

The key is to encourage exploration rather than prescribing the answer.

And if something doesn't resonate, that's useful information, too. Not every group will be the right fit. Not every experience will turn into a friendship. That's part of discovering where you belong.

 

4. Practice the Art of Meaningful Conversation

Finding the right environment creates an opportunity. But relationships develop through interaction.

And for many teens and young adults, this is where things become uncomfortable.

They might know exactly which club they want to join or which person they'd like to talk to, but when the moment arrives, they hesitate. What do I say? What if they think I'm weird? What if I embarrass myself?

This is where we remind young people that conversation is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice.

Chris often suggests something incredibly simple to the young adults he coaches: arrive at class five or ten minutes early, or stay a few minutes afterward. Put your phone away. Take out your earbuds. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello.

Ask the person next to you how they're enjoying the class. Comment on an upcoming assignment. Ask what they're studying or what brought them to the school. It doesn't have to be extraordinary. It simply has to begin.

And once a conversation starts, we encourage young people to become genuinely curious. Instead of trying to impress someone, focus on learning about them. Ask follow-up questions. Share something about yourself. Listen carefully. Look for common interests and experiences.

Something we talk about frequently in our coaching is the importance of moving beyond surface-level conversations. You don't need to reveal your deepest thoughts to someone you've just met, but being willing to share a little more of yourself—and show genuine interest in someone else—creates opportunities for more meaningful connections.

And remember, not every conversation needs to become a friendship. Sometimes you connect with someone immediately. Sometimes you don't. Both experiences are valuable.

The important thing is that you're practicing, learning, and becoming more comfortable showing up as yourself.

 

5. Build Confidence Through Action, Not Overthinking

One of the biggest barriers to making new friends isn't necessarily a lack of opportunities. It's hesitation.

A young adult might know that joining a club would be good for them. They might genuinely want to introduce themselves to someone in class or accept an invitation to an event. But when the moment arrives, their thoughts begin creating reasons not to act.

Maybe I'll go next week. Maybe they won't like me. Maybe I'll just stay home tonight.

 

This is where our third coaching pillar, Action & Ownership, becomes so important.

 

We teach young people that they don't have to wait until they feel completely confident to take action. Often, confidence develops because they've taken action. They discover that they can do something uncomfortable, navigate the experience, and come out the other side.

Start small. Walk into the room. Introduce yourself. Ask the question. Accept the invitation. Send the text.

Then recognize the win.

Even if the conversation was awkward. Even if they didn't make a new friend that day. Even if they felt uncomfortable the entire time. They followed through on something that mattered to them, and that's progress.

 

A Story From Erin's Coaching

Erin worked with a college freshman here in Ann Arbor who was struggling socially. She felt awkward meeting new people, worried about making friends, and had started holding herself back.

As they worked together, they began with self-discovery and small, manageable social actions. She practiced talking to people, becoming more approachable, and noticing opportunities for connection in everyday situations.

During that process, she rediscovered something she genuinely loved: ice-skating.

Eventually, after beginning to develop some new friendships, she invited a group of people to go ice-skating with her. They said yes.

What began as one personal interest became an opportunity to create a shared experience. And over time, she continued expanding her social world. When Erin connected with her again several months after coaching, she had developed multiple groups of friends.

What we love about this story isn't simply that she made friends. It's that she began discovering herself, trusting herself, and taking ownership of her experiences.

And that's the kind of growth that can influence so many other areas of a young person's life.

When Confidence, Friendships, and Direction Feel Difficult

Sometimes young people benefit from having someone outside the family help them discover their strengths, build confidence, and take meaningful steps forward.

Through our personalized Young Adult Coaching, we help young people develop a stronger sense of identity, create meaningful goals, build relationships, and take ownership of their futures.

Our approach begins with discovering who they are, not telling them who they should become.

 

6. Make Friendships and Social Connection an Intentional Part of Life

We encourage our coaching clients to create goals around academics, careers, health, routines, and personal development. But we also believe social connection deserves a place in that conversation.

Because friendships and relationships aren't simply something that happens when everything else is finished. They're part of creating a meaningful life.

Think about a college student who's getting excellent grades, exercising regularly, and working hard toward a future career. Those are wonderful accomplishments. But if they're spending nearly all their free time alone and feeling disconnected, something important may still be missing.

And this doesn't just apply to our kids.

Erin and I talk about this in our own lives. Between raising four kids, running our coaching business, and managing everything that comes with family life, it's incredibly easy to become so busy that friendships slip into the background.

Erin has become more intentional about this when she's planning her week. She'll think about the women she enjoys spending time with and reach out to make plans, sometimes something as simple as going for a hike and catching up.

It's not complicated, but it does require intention.

And it's a wonderful behavior to model for our kids.

 

Try This: The Weekly Social Goal

Encourage your teen or young adult to choose three simple actions each week:

One new conversation. Start a conversation with someone they don't normally talk to.

One new experience. Attend a group, activity, or event that genuinely interests them.

One intentional connection. Invite someone to do something, reconnect with a friend, or follow up after meeting someone new.

The goal isn't to force friendships to develop on a particular timeline. It's to create consistent opportunities for connection. Some weeks will go wonderfully. Others may feel awkward or disappointing. But over time, these small actions can help young people develop confidence, explore new environments, and become more comfortable taking initiative.

And perhaps most importantly, they begin learning that they have the ability to influence the direction of their own lives.

 

7. Teach Them to Recognize the Relationships That Help Them Grow

Finding your people isn't just about building new friendships. It's also about learning how to evaluate the relationships you already have.

As Erin shared in our podcast, one of the most valuable skills we can teach young people is how to take inventory of their lives.

Who are they spending time with? How do those relationships make them feel? Are their friendships supportive, respectful, and aligned with the person they're becoming?

These questions become increasingly important as teens move into young adulthood. Sometimes friendships naturally evolve. People develop different interests, values, goals, and priorities. A relationship that felt wonderful at sixteen might look very different at twenty-two.

And that's okay.

We want young people to understand that they can appreciate someone, care about them, and still recognize that a particular friendship may no longer be the right fit. We also want them to understand that healthy relationships aren't about surrounding themselves only with people who agree with them or share every ambition. Some of our most meaningful relationships challenge our perspectives and help us grow in unexpected ways.

The important qualities are mutual respect, trust, kindness, encouragement, and the freedom to be ourselves.

THE FRIENDSHIP INVENTORY

Encourage your teen or young adult to occasionally reflect on these questions:

• Can I be myself around this person?

• Do I feel respected, accepted, and supported?

• Is this relationship reciprocal?

• Does this friendship generally bring something positive into my life?

• Am I becoming more of the person I want to be through this relationship?

These aren't questions designed to judge people or end friendships impulsively. They're tools for developing awareness and making more intentional choices.

 

Why Finding Your People Matters Far Beyond Friendships

There's another part of this conversation that often gets overlooked.

The ability to build meaningful relationships doesn't just influence someone's social life. It can influence their education, career development, independence, and future opportunities.

Chris works with young adults who are preparing for internships, exploring career paths, developing professional identities, and learning how to network. And one thing becomes clear: academic performance alone doesn't teach someone how to build relationships.

A student might have excellent grades and a strong resume but feel completely uncomfortable introducing themselves to a potential mentor, starting a conversation at a career event, or explaining what makes them unique during an interview.

That's why we connect personal branding, self-discovery, and relationship-building in our coaching.

When young adults understand their strengths and interests, they become better equipped to communicate what they bring to the table. When they learn to ask thoughtful questions and develop genuine curiosity about others, networking becomes less about trying to impress people and more about building relationships. And when they become comfortable entering new environments and meeting unfamiliar people, they begin opening themselves up to opportunities they might never have discovered otherwise.

The same skills that help someone make a friend in college can help them connect with a professor, find a mentor, explore an internship, or develop a professional community.

Finding your people is a life skill, not just a college skill.

 

What Parents Can Do When Their Teen or Young Adult Is Struggling to Make Friends

This may be the most important part of the conversation for us as parents.

Because when our kids are lonely, our instinct is to fix it. We want to offer solutions, introduce them to people, research organizations, suggest activities, and encourage them to get out of their rooms.

And sometimes those suggestions are helpful.

But if we're constantly telling our kids what they should do, we may unintentionally take away the very opportunity they need to begin discovering their own answers.

Instead, we encourage parents to become curious, supportive partners in the process.

Start with connection, not correction. If your college student tells you they're lonely, resist the urge to immediately respond with five things they should try. Listen first. Ask what their experience has been like, what feels difficult, and whether there are people or environments where they feel more comfortable. Sometimes what they need most in that moment is to feel understood.

Reflect their strengths back to them. Erin encourages parents to become more intentional about recognizing and sharing the qualities they see in their children. Maybe your son is incredibly thoughtful. Maybe your daughter has a wonderful sense of humor. Maybe your young adult is creative, compassionate, adventurous, or a natural problem-solver. Tell them. Be specific and genuine. Sometimes our kids need help recognizing the wonderful qualities we already see in them.

Encourage exploration without prescribing the answer. Instead of saying, "You need to join a fraternity," try asking, "What kinds of people or activities do you think you'd enjoy being around?" Instead of, "Why don't you ever go out?" ask, "Is there something new you've been curious about trying?" You're helping them develop awareness and ownership rather than simply following someone else's instructions.

Model the behavior you want to encourage. Talk about your own friendships. Share something new you're trying. Let your kids see you making plans, reaching out to people, and creating experiences that are meaningful to you. When we create meaningful lives of our own, we demonstrate what it looks like to live with intention, curiosity, and connection.

And one more thing: remember that not every young person needs a large social circle. Some people feel most fulfilled with a few close relationships, while others enjoy broader communities and frequent social activities. The goal isn't to make your child more outgoing. It's to help them create the kinds of connections that feel meaningful and supportive to them.

If loneliness is persistent or significantly affecting your child's well-being, additional support from a qualified mental health professional may also be important.

 

Two Questions Parents Often Ask

Is It Normal for College Students to Struggle to Make Friends?

Yes. Many college students find the social transition challenging, especially when they're adjusting to a new environment, living away from home, and learning to build friendships intentionally. Some find their people quickly, while others need more time to explore activities, develop confidence, and create meaningful connections. There's no single timeline that every student should follow.

What If My College Student Is Lonely but Won't Join Clubs or Activities?

Start by understanding what's holding them back rather than assuming they aren't trying. They may feel overwhelmed, lack confidence, worry about rejection, or simply haven't discovered activities that genuinely interest them. Encourage one manageable step, such as attending an event that aligns with an existing interest or starting a conversation with a classmate. Small actions can feel more approachable than pressure to completely change their social life.

 

The Bigger Picture: Helping Your Child Create a Life They Love

When we started Extraordinary Purpose, our mission was never simply to help young people get better grades, find a career, develop healthier habits, or become more confident.

Those things matter tremendously. But they're part of something bigger.

We want to help teens and young adults discover who they are, recognize their potential, and begin creating meaningful lives they genuinely love.

And the people they surround themselves with play an enormous role in that journey.

The right relationships can introduce us to new ideas, help us through difficult experiences, encourage us to take risks, celebrate our accomplishments, and remind us of who we are when we've temporarily lost sight of ourselves.

That's why finding your people matters. And it's why we believe the process should begin from the inside out.

Self-Discovery: Understand who you are, what matters to you, and what makes you unique.

Direction: Identify the people, environments, and experiences that align with your values, interests, and goals.

Action & Ownership: Take intentional steps to create new connections, develop relationships, and build the life you want.

This is the framework we use throughout our teen and young adult coaching programs because it applies to far more than friendship. It's a foundation for navigating life.

And it's something we continue working on ourselves, too.

As parents, our friendships evolve. Our interests change. Our priorities shift. Sometimes we realize we've spent so much time focusing on our kids and responsibilities that we've neglected the people and experiences that bring meaning to our own lives.

So perhaps this conversation is an invitation for all of us.

To become a little more curious about ourselves. To reconnect with people we care about. To explore something new. To stop waiting for someone else to make the first move.

Because we're never finished discovering who we are—or finding the people who make our lives extraordinary.

 

One Small Step You Can Take Together This Week

If your teen or young adult is struggling to find their people, don't feel like you have to solve everything this week.

Start with one meaningful conversation.

Ask them what kind of friendships they'd love to have. Ask when they feel most like themselves. Ask whether there's an activity or experience they've been curious about trying.

And then share something about yourself.

Maybe there's a friend you've been meaning to reconnect with. Maybe there's a new group you'd like to join or an activity you've been putting off.

Talk about it. Make a plan. Take a step.

Because the truth is, this process isn't just for our kids. We're all continuing to grow, evolve, and discover the people and experiences that make our lives meaningful.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Your Teen or Young Adult Doesn't Have to Figure Everything Out Alone

If your teen or young adult is struggling with friendships, confidence, motivation, or direction, we'd love to help.

Through our personalized 1:1 coaching at Extraordinary Purpose, we help young people discover who they are, develop confidence, build meaningful relationships, and take ownership of their futures.

Erin coaches young women, Chris coaches young men, and together we support parents who want to lead with greater confidence and connection.

We work with families in Ann Arbor, throughout Southeast Michigan, and nationwide through virtual coaching.

Your child has extraordinary potential. Let's help them discover it.

Explore Extraordinary Purpose and Schedule a Free Discovery Call

About Erin & Chris

We're Erin and Chris, founders of Extraordinary Purpose, life coaches, parents of four, and partners in life and business.

Through our work with teens, young adults, and parents, we help families navigate some of life's most important transitions with greater confidence, clarity, connection, and purpose.

Our coaching is built around three pillars—Self-Discovery, Direction, and Action & Ownership—and one foundational belief: when you discover who you are, you can begin creating a meaningful life you love.

You can hear more of our conversations and insights on the Extraordinary Purpose: Parenting Teens & Young Adults podcast.