If you’re parenting a teen or young adult who feels stuck, unmotivated, distracted, or disconnected from their potential, you’re not alone.

We hear this from parents every single week:

• “They just don’t care.”

• “They have so much potential, but they won’t apply themselves.”

• “They’re always on their phone and can’t follow through.”

• “I don’t understand why nothing motivates them.”

And while these concerns are completely valid, they’re usually pointing to something much deeper than motivation.

Because most teens and young adults aren’t unmotivated.

They’re internally stuck.

And until what’s happening under the surface is understood, no amount of pushing, reminding, or consequences will create lasting change.

Why Motivation Isn’t the Real Problem

When parents search for answers, they’re often looking for:

• Better strategies

• More discipline

• Stronger consequences

• A way to “get through” to their child

But motivation doesn’t disappear randomly.

What actually happens is this:

Internal resistance builds first. Motivation disappears second.

And resistance almost always starts with self-talk.

What Resistance Really Looks Like in Teens and Young Adults

Resistance doesn’t always show up as rebellion or defiance.

More often, parents experience it as:

• Procrastination

• Avoidance

• Emotional shutdown

• Low energy

• Constant distraction or scrolling

• “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” responses

• Starting things but never finishing them

From the outside, it can look like laziness or lack of effort.

From the inside, it feels very different.

The Internal Experience Parents Can’t See

Internally, many teens and young adults are dealing with:

• Overwhelm

• Self-doubt

• Fear of failure

• Pressure to perform

• A belief that nothing they do is good enough

This is where most parents miss what’s actually happening.

Your child isn’t choosing not to try.

They don’t feel safe enough internally to take action.

The Hidden Driver of Resistance — Negative Self-Talk

Teens and young adults are constantly narrating their lives in their own heads.

That inner voice often sounds like:

• “I’m already behind.”

• “Everyone else has it figured out.”

• “I’ll probably mess this up anyway.”

• “What’s the point in trying?”

When these thoughts go unnoticed, they create:

• Anxiety

• Shame

• Disconnection

• Paralysis

Here’s the truth most parents never hear:

You can’t take action when your inner world feels unsafe.

Motivation doesn’t come first.
Emotional safety and clarity do.

This is why so many teens and young adults struggle despite having support, intelligence, and opportunity.

Why Pushing Harder Backfires (And Increases Resistance)

When parents see their teen or young adult stuck, the instinct is to:

• Push harder

• Set firmer expectations

• Add pressure

• Remind, lecture, or threaten consequences

But pressure doesn’t reduce resistance.

It amplifies it.

Instead of motivation, it often leads to:

• More shutdown

• More avoidance

• More emotional distance

• Less trust

Not because parents are doing anything wrong — but because action cannot come from a nervous system that feels overwhelmed or judged.

The Parent Piece Most People Don’t Talk About

This is where the conversation deepens.

Parents don’t just influence teens through what they say.

They influence them through:

• Their emotional regulation

• Their tone and urgency

• Their reactions

• Their own self-talk

Many parents are quietly telling themselves:

• “I’ve failed them.”

• “I should know how to handle this by now.”

• “I don’t know how to help anymore.”

• “This is my fault.”

That internal pressure doesn’t stay internal.

Teens and young adults feel it — even when nothing is said.

How Parental Self-Talk Shapes the Emotional Environment

Kids don’t just respond to rules or instructions.

They respond to emotional environments.

When a parent is anxious, critical, or constantly second-guessing themselves, teens often feel:

• Pressure to perform

• Fear of disappointing

• A need to withdraw or avoid

This is why working with parents is such a critical part of helping teens and young adults move forward.

It’s also why our parent coaching program  focuses first on awareness, clarity, and emotional steadiness — not quick fixes.

Why Slowing Down Is the Gateway to Forward Movement

At Extraordinary Purpose, we don’t start by fixing behavior.

We start by slowing things down.

In our work through life coaching for teens  and life coaching for young adults , we teach young people — and their parents — how to:

1. Notice the thoughts driving emotions and actions

2. Identify negative self-talk without judgment

3. Get curious instead of critical

4. Pause before reacting

5. Re-align with values, goals, and their best self

This process restores something essential:

Choice.

Choice over thoughts.
Choice over responses.
Choice over direction.

And choice is what makes action possible again.

A Simple Practice Parents Can Start This Week

You don’t need a perfect plan to begin.

Just try this once a day — for yourself first.

When you notice frustration, worry, or tension, pause and ask:

• What am I telling myself right now?

• Is this thought actually true?

• Is it helpful?

• Is it aligned with the parent I want to be?

That pause is powerful.

Because once you’re aware, you’re no longer reacting.
You’re responding with intention.

Over time, this same skill can be gently modeled and taught to your teen or young adult.

Why This Work Changes Everything

When parents learn how to navigate their own resistance and self-talk:

• Conversations soften

• Power struggles decrease

• Teens feel less pressure

• Motivation begins to return naturally

When teens and young adults learn this skill:

• Confidence grows

• Focus improves

• Direction becomes clearer

• Action feels possible again

This is the deeper work most families are missing.

And it’s why so many strategies fail — they skip the internal foundation.

You’re Not Behind — You’re Going Deeper

If you’ve been searching for answers and nothing seems to work, it’s not because you’ve failed.

It’s because the real work lives under the surface.

This is the work Erin and Chris do every week through coaching, content, and The Extraordinary Purpose Podcast — helping parents understand why things are the way they are and how to move forward with clarity and purpose.

We’ll be diving even deeper into resistance, self-talk, and motivation in an upcoming podcast episode — and we invite you to listen and continue the conversation.

You don’t need to push harder.

You need a different lens.

And that’s where real change begins.