How to Show Up as Your Best Self (Especially During Life's Most Important Moments)
Extraordinary Purpose Podcast
Hosts: Chris Adang & Erin Verdis
Episode Summary
Why do some conversations, opportunities, and challenges bring out the best in us, while others leave us feeling reactive, frustrated, or disconnected?
In this episode, Chris and Erin explore one of the most important factors behind confidence, communication, parenting, relationships, and personal growth: how we choose to show up.
They discuss the connection between identity and results, the power of self-awareness, and why the simple practice of pausing and checking in can completely transform the way we parent, communicate, lead, and live.
Keywords: parenting teens, parenting young adults, difficult conversations, confidence, personal growth, emotional regulation, mindset, identity, self-awareness, communication, purpose, intentional living.
TRANSCRIPT
 And those actions are the results we get But what's comes before any of that is how we choose to show up, and our identity is everything in terms of the results. So if we're, we are not happy with the results we're getting, right, with our relationships- Mm-hmm ... with the work we're doing in this world, with,, our relationship with ourselves, with how we look physically or our health and wellness, if we're not happy with those results, what's at the core of that is how we're choosing to show up in our lives and the decisions that we're making every day.
đź“Ť Welcome to the extraordinary purpose podcast, where we explore some of the truly difficult questions and challenges that parents and their families face every day. Whether it's the sometimes painful process of parenting teens and young adults. Navigating relationships with your partner and children, or you discovering your purpose in relationship with yourself, we will bring heartfelt and vulnerable conversations to the table to support and empower you.
Our mission is to help you create a lifestyle full of love, passion, adventure, and influence. Here we go 
Hey there, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast. I'm looking at the sensational and transformational Aaron Vertis What's up, sweetheart?
What's going on, babe?
Oh, we're back. And that means we are about to have, I think, another pretty incredible conversation.
As always.
Yeah, with some incredible parents and families and maybe some young adults out there too. That's why we come together, , once a week,, to help and support each other,
yeah, it's so interesting because, we essentially make this podcast for parents. Yeah. But I'll be on coaching calls with the young adults I coach, the girls I coach, and I'll mention really in passing in a teaching moment about the podcast.
Yeah. And they'll be like, "Oh, you guys have a podcast?" And they immediately want the link to it, and they want episodes, and it's interesting, and we really should let more young adults, in on this secret podcast.
We love our community. Yeah. And that's what we're trying to build here, and we appreciate you tuning in today.
Um, this episode is gonna be, I think, a signature one in that this is what we're all about. Mm-hmm. Okay? We're not just about, I hate to use this word, but I'm gonna use it, surface level. Mm-hmm. Just putting Band-Aids on things. That's not what we're all about, and when we set out to do this podcast and to, , launch our coaching programs and do all the work that we do, we knew that to really get lasting results, we had to go so much deeper than that.
Yeah. We're so committed to just constantly learning and growing ourselves and taking every opportunity in our personal lives with our kids, with each other, with all the experiences we have., It's not work for us 'cause you might be thinking like, "Do you guys ever take a break from personal growth and the coaching stuff?"
But it, it doesn't feel like that to us. We're always thinking about, if we just had an argument or we had an aha moment with one of our kids, like how can we add that value and bring it back to our community?
Yeah, it's just fun to talk about this stuff. Mm-hmm. It's, it's fun because we... I u- I use that word community.
When you feel like you have a community around you, people that are like-minded, that are working on themselves, who are trying to learn more about who they are and what they want to achieve in life, whether you're a parent or whether you're young adults, doesn't matter how old you are. Look, we want more for you.
Yeah. And we want for this space and this environment to be one of those environments, not the only one by the way, but one of those environments where you feel seen, you feel heard, and you feel supported. And that is gonna kinda be a little bit of a bridge to today's topic- Mm-hmm
this is the deeper stuff. It's all about a big word, but that word is what, Erin?
Identity.
Identity. And so Erin, how would you... This is a tough one. If you had to describe identity, how would you describe it?
Yeah, no, I love that question 'cause that's what I ask my clients as well. Yeah. And I always say there's no wrong answer.
No. We all have a different perspective on identity. But I guess identity from my perspective is- How we show up in our lives.
Yeah.
How we show up in our lives meaning how we present ourselves physically, how we show up emotionally, psychologically, how we carry ourselves, how we talk to people.
The things that we say about ourselves and about what we're up to and about other people. It's just this whole package of how we show up in little moments, in big significant moments. And yeah, I think that was a great bridge because at the end of the day what I was trying to say earlier is it's just we're always looking for new ways to help the people we love get results.
Yeah.
And create
change where they wanna create change. And so when we think about all the work that we do, what's at the core of, the human experience as far as I'm concerned is our identity.
Yes.
, The results that we get in our lives, meaning, , we have a thought about something or a feeling about something that typically leads to an action or an inaction.
And those actions are the results we get But what's comes before any of that is how we choose to show up, and our identity is everything in terms of the results. So if we're, we are not happy with the results we're getting, right, with our relationships- Mm-hmm ... with the work we're doing in this world, with,, our relationship with ourselves, with how we look physically or our health and wellness, if we're not happy with those results, what's at the core of that is how we're choosing to show up in our lives and the decisions that we're making every day.
Yeah. Because I think a lot of us, we feel like, "Oh my God, I'm putting the work in. I'm trying. I'm doing some of these things," right? But it's not just about doing. We want for us all to be doing the things that we love and that are helpful and that we feel are gonna move us forward and build up the life that we want for ourselves.
But ultimately, the way that I like to describe this , is that we were just talking about this, is that there's two different, , stories. Mm-hmm. Story number one is , the person that maybe, like, walks into an interview and their shoulders are down, their eyes are down, they're not making eye contact, they're not smiling.
, They don't really believe in themselves. Yeah, lack
of confidence. Yeah,
they don't know who they are. They don't know how to speak about themselves and really go deep with some of their answers. They're not showing the passion that they need to show to really convince the other person that, wow, this person really wants this,
that's story one or version one. And then version two, and to start to notice the difference here, is that same person walks through that doorway, smile on their face. They're making eye contact. Their posture is one of empowerment, confidence. They're striding forward. They immediately reach out their hand with a firm handshake.
They sit down. They're curious. They're open-minded. They're so passionate about this opportunity. They're so passionate and confident in who they are, and they know how to speak about themselves. And the impact and the influence that difference has is tremendous. Mm-hmm. The same person just went through the same experience of interviewing for a job, but how they showed up was completely different.
Yeah. And so you can take that example and you can apply it to all the other moments of your day, the smaller moments of your day, conversations. What are some other moments of your day, Erin?
Yeah. I love that because when we think about how we show up, we tend to think more externally, right? Yeah. Job interviews, conversations with our kids and our partners.
How we just show up at the grocery store, sure. Things like that. Are we kind? Are we patient or are we impatient and rude- to people? I show up both ways sometimes. I'm not the most patient person. At least we're honest. At least I'm honest. But something we might not be thinking about in terms of identity and how we show up is how we're showing up within ourselves.
Yes. The conversations we have with ourselves about life, about things that are going on, right? Right. And that is really, I think, can impact how we're showing up externally. Mm-hmm. So when we are showing up with ourselves negative, beating ourselves up, being angry about other people, playing a victim role, , et cetera, et cetera.
Mm-hmm. When we're showing up that way, how do you think we're gonna show up externally? Why do we- Not great ... think that we show up at that job interview feeling less confident, not making eye contact- Yeah ... not feeling good? Why do we think we show up with our kids impatient and frustrated- Mm ... or feeling the need to control a situation- Mm
'cause we're scared of the outcome? Because we're not right within ourselves first. That's right. And so it's- . so important to, , something Chris and I talk a- about a lot on this podcast is taking that time throughout our day, how you start your day and throughout the day, to pause, to check in- Yes
with yourself, to notice how you're feeling, to notice your inner dialogue, to notice your, um, your thoughts and your emotional states. 'Cause if we don't have that self-awareness and we can't learn how to turn things around for ourselves internally, there's no way we're gonna show up the way we want to externally.
So I want us all to pause right now, right? Because I think that... erin and I had a funny conversation right before we started this podcast and she asked me, "Do you think we talk about the pause too much?"
I did.
And I love that question too because, , the short answer is no, because the pause, my friends, is your power.
Okay? It's the source of your strength and connection and your power. And so when we talk about, like, how can we help you or us change our lives, it's all in this pause. And so when Erin just said, you've gotta find these times throughout the day to pause, this is the first thing for us all to , to start thinking about how do I practice that?
Mm-hmm. How do I put that into practice? Because you're never gonna be perfect. Okay, there's gonna be moments where you don't show up as the best version of yourself, and you're very stressed and anxious and r- you're reactive. Sure. But what we are working on right now is building up our identity, and the very first step in building up our identity is getting so good at this pause because when we're paused, where are we?
We're present. Mm-hmm. Where are we not? In our thoughts. Yeah. Everything Erin just described, being anxious and reactive and stressed, and you're listening to that negative self-talk, all the stuff that leads us to not to believe in ourselves and to get distracted and to not show up as the best version of ourselves, that's no longer in control when we're paused, when we're checking in with ourself.
Mm-hmm.
And so that is why, and the why is really important here, that's why the pause is so incredibly important So babe, what does the pause really look like? Can you kinda walk us through what you do to pause throughout the day?
Yeah. I was actually gonna share an example- Okay, even better ... of how I put this into practice- Yeah, great
this past week. So just to give a little context, I know Chris and I have been talking on previous episodes, we're getting married next week.
Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.
Yes. Going to Puerto Rico, and we're leaving on Saturday, this weekend- Unbelievable ... which is crazy. I can't believe it's here, babe. Fist pump.
It's awesome.
So
excited. So we're taking the kids and our moms, and we have some family and friends coming, and we're excited. And it's been just, June is just a month of milestones. That's one thing. My son just graduated high school this past weekend. Yeah. So proud of my boy.
Uh-huh.
I turned... How old did I turn?
Well, we said last episode, 29.
I'm not entirely- Oh, I turned- ... sure ...
50, guys. I turned 50. Wow, you said it? Actually, it feels really good, to be honest. Awesome, sweetheart. So I'm gonna get to that in a second. So there's been a lot going on, and for, moms especially listening to this, you know how we get. We want often everything to be perfect.
Mm-hmm. You know, these are big milestones. I think women and moms particularly feel a lot of pressure at these moments in life to get it all right- Yeah ... and to have everything in advance, ready to go. Hmm. So I, this, for the past week or so, was being really hard on myself, okay. It was my first graduate, so I feel , the day came and went, and every- I didn't have things down as well as I wanted.
I didn't have everything ready, as much as I felt like I should have. Hmm. I was driving Chris insane. , The gift bags for the wedding, and I don't know, what am I gonna do? And so it was all of these things I wasn't getting done. I was being really hard on myself. I was focusing too much on my to-do list.
Um- And I
was probably driving you insane, because I wasn't- He was like, "You gotta relax" ... getting
equally- And sh- and my daughter, my 14-year-old- ... she goes, "Chill. Chill. Chill, Mom. Just chill. You're being- Come on ... you gotta chill." So, and so I was getting frustrated with everybody- Yeah ... not getting as... I didn't take it as mean.
The same sense, the same
sense of urgency. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, "Come on,
guys." So I really, though, I was getting to a point where I was feeling like I w- might have a little bit of a breakdown, and I had a, I was, it was on my birthday. Was it on my birthday?
It was, yes. Okay. Yeah.
I came downstairs and I... No, I'm sorry, it was the next day.
It was the next day, 'cause it was the day after graduation. Oh, okay. I was sitting on the couch, did my morning routine. And so this is often how I s- I start my day with a pause. I get up, I grab my coffee. Sometimes I'll feed the pets, and then I get, sit down for my meditation, and that's my first pause of the day.
I see. And that's my way of getting intentional. And I listen to a meditation very intentionally on an- anxiety. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I knew that's what was driving all of this, was my anxiety. And the meditation I listened to was asking me some questions. And so interestingly enough, the questions I was asking myself in my meditation are the very questions Chris and I came up with-
Yeah
to,
Coach on today during this podcast. And I just sat with myself and I asked myself these questions. I said, ", Erin, what's really important here?"
Mm. "
At the end of all of this, when June is over and you look back, what, what's, what do you wanna remember the most?" You know- I love that ... what's most important is that we're so blessed to be able to go on a destination wedding- Mm
with our kids.
Yeah.
And not just our kids, our moms get to go. We have some friends coming, , f- some of our- Mm ... family gets to be there. Yeah. We get to get married in one of our favorite places, ? Yeah, we do. And that I met the, my soulmate, the love of my life- Aw ... that I get to spend the rest of my life with, like, how blessed am I?
Mm. I started thinking about the memories I wanted to make on this trip with my kids, and it wasn't stressed, frantic mom and Erin. It was like, I wanna be balanced. I wanna be playful. I wanna have fun. I wanna show up with a sense of just ease and balance and love around me, , and gratitude. And, what am I trying to create here for other people?
I wanna create the same thing. I want everyone to go home from that trip feeling like they just had the time of their life. Mm-hmm. That they got some time to reflect and have a, a peaceful vacation too, but were also able to be supported by Chris and I and support us in return. So I really had this moment of , I had to take a breath and ask myself, how do I wanna start showing up from here on out?
Yeah. And I started coming up with some ideas. I started getting this picture of myself, and I'm like, I wanna be playful. I wanna be balanced. I wanna be curious about how other people are doing and enjoying this time. Mm-hmm. I wanna connect with my friends and family on this trip. I don't just want it to be all about me and being frantic about what's not perfect.
Right.
And so I got this opportunity to see these two Chris just said about the job interview, I saw these two different versions of myself- Mm-hmm ... and I made a commitment right then and there- Mm ... to commit to that version of myself. And I went upstairs, and Chris sleeps in a little, and I told him. I wake him up when I, 'cause I'm up for it.
Ah. I come in, I'm like- What's going on? ... "Oh, I just had this meditation, and I had this epiphany- She's- ... and he's like, "I just woke up."
She is a morning person.
And so anyway, I asked him to help me, if he saw me starting to go in that direction again- Mm-hmm ... just to remind me to be, I called myself the balanced bride, and it's the name I gave myself.
That
is awesome. And I
wanted to come back to that. So that just gives you, that's an example, and I know I'm talking about big milestones here, but guys, we can do this with simple things. Like- Mm-hmm ... when we know we wanna have a conversation with one of our kids or our partner, we can check ourselves, and you don't have to do a big morning routine.
It could be a moment in your car when you just- Mm-hmm ... pause and slow down and ask yourself, "How do I really wanna be showing up right now? What's most important to me in this moment? How do I wanna be able to be there for other people?" Whatever those questions are- Hmm ... you can bring up three or four questions to just ground yourself.
Yeah. And so once again, Erin used some words there, balanced and playful and curious, and these really cool words, right? And they're not just words. Those are values. Hmm. Those are things that are really important to her. Words that if she aligns with those values, she is gonna show up differently, and she's going to get different results.
Remember, that's part of this process. And so the cool thing about that is, is that, so Erin just talked about what she does first thing in the morning, and that grounds her. That gets her out of her thoughts. It gets her to align with these things that are going to help her really create an amazing trip, an amazing wedding, an amazing time with family, friends, children, just overall.
, And it's all dependent upon not just getting to Puerto Rico and getting married and spending time with family and doing dinners and excursions and things like that. That's awesome. It'll be fun. Mm-hmm. But you know what'll be 10 times more fun, is if you show up The way that you wanna show up.
And same with me. And the cool thing about this is, for everybody listening, is that, and Erin said this, is that you can pause and check in with yourself this exact same way and align with , these things and ask yourself these questions. And we'll re- review the questions to make sure that you've got 'em written down, and you can start to think about what some of those values are that make up this incredible version of yourself, your empowered identity, which we're all kinda working towards.
But you can do this first thing in the morning. Yeah., I do this before I walk into the gym, is I'll take a pause in the car before I walk in because I wanna make sure when I go in there that I'm not just going through the motions, that I'm, I'm really working and pushing and getting the results that I want.
I do this before I coach. I do this before the podcast. I do this before I spend time with family, with Erin. I do this before time with my kids. Mm-hmm. I do this before dinners. , And I a- actually talk, when we're talking to parents and, uh, we're talking to young adults, I always say, like right before I got onto this call, I checked in with myself.
Mm-hmm.
I paused. Because you know what? I was telling somebody yesterday, I just got, I just got done with a run, and you think if I came in all sweaty and I was, , still thinking about the run, and I just sat down and turned on record or turned on the, the meeting, do you think I'd be at my best?
Probably not. There has to be a moment where you regroup with yourself, you realign, you really open up to what's right in front of me, what's important.
Mm-hmm.
And who do I wanna be to get the results that I wanna get?
Yeah, and , really you can go by feeling, too. For me it was a, those really overwhelming feelings of feeling anxious and just knowing that I was showing up like a frantic, crazy woman.
Yeah. Uh, but I, , for a lot of parents with young adults, um- You know, I'm wanna get together with my son in the next couple days. Ever since he's graduated, he's been on the run and going, going, going- ... and we haven't really connected, and there's some things I wanna chat with him about. And we-
When you say he's on the run, does that mean from the law or just he's always busy?
Maybe. 'Cause there's two different takeaways there for everybody listening. Oh, he's on the run.
He's on the run. He's on the go. He's on the go. There we go. He's just nonstop. I love
that. That's funny.
And so we know, any of you that have 18, 19, 20-year-olds or older, you know when you know you wanna chat with them about something, right away it's the eggshells and- Yeah
am I gonna say the right thing? I don't wanna make 'em defensive. I don't wanna upset the situation, blah, blah, blah. And so the point is, what I'm trying to say here, is that, you know, the minute I started to feel anxious about that as well, I caught myself this morning actually, and I reeled myself in and I paused for a minute, and I was like, "You know what?
I have a right to have a conversation about-" Mm-hmm ... things that are important to me, too." And I just, , really asked- Yeah ... myself the same, "What's important here today? How do I wanna show up when I have some time to chat with him? , And I'm just gonna be myself. I wanna be myself. I wanna be authentic."
Yeah. "I don't have to try to show up a certain way to please anybody else. I'm myself." And, I kinda had this conversation with myself and I got grounded. I felt more empowered again. And so that's a great example, too, for when you have to chat with your teen or young adult and it's uncomfortable and you feel like- Mm-hmm
you're on eggshells and you're- Yeah ... trying to make it a, quote-unquote, "certain way." Check in with yourself. Ask yourself what's important. Yes. How do you wanna show up? Be authentic. As soon as you get grounded again, you start to feel more confident and empowered.
Yes. Everything changes. Changes how you feel.
It changes your outlook on things. , A lot of us have the answers, except we can't see them. And so when you check in and you pause, you can start to see again.
Mm-hmm. You can
see the way forward. You can see, like, okay, this is what's really important to me, right? This is how I need to show up,
to really be authentic, to be real, I think part of the struggle that us parents have, or any of us have, is that we're holding ourselves back-
Mm ...
all the time in our life. In every single situation, we're holding a part of ourself in, and that's a shame because most of us... Actually, I shouldn't say most of us.
All of us have so much more potential.
Yeah.
So much more potential. And so it's funny that we talk about potential real quickly, because that's the true, , reason why empowered identity is so important. Because if you really wanna find your purpose, which that's our brand, Extraordinary Purpose, if you really wanna see what you're truly capable of, , so you're more confident in yourself and you really say, "Wow, I had forgotten I had that in me," then you start to lean into t- all these different moments of your life and you start showing up as this better version of yourself.
You start showing yourself the results that you can get In these conversations with your kids, at the gym, at work, at any different time of your day Mm-hmm ... you can get more out of it, and each of those moments is gonna build you up one step at a time.
Yeah, and I think another big result of, really being conscious and intentional about how you show up and your identity is it always brings it back to you.
Yeah. So
it really eliminates any, , blame or playing a victim or, "Well, if they would only do this," "Or if they showed up like this, I could show up differently." Mm-mm.
Yeah.
And it just, , it's complete self-responsibility. It always brings it back to you. You, we are completely capable and responsible for how we choose to show up in our lives.
It's kinda like living with no regrets.
Mm.
Is when you give it everything you've got, which that's a little bit of what we've been talking about, you really lean in. You really put forth the effort. You really show up The way that you're fully capable of showing up, then you gotta be really happy with whatever the outcome or result is- Mm-hmm
because you gave it everything you've got. Yeah. You can't sit back with regret and say, "Well, you know what? I didn't really try."
Yeah.
You know, if you're a young adult, "Well, I didn't really, I was distracted the whole time I was studying for that final." Yeah. Or if you're a parent, "You know what? I was really stressed, I was really anxious, so I didn't really have the quality of conversation that I wanted to have with my son or daughter."
Mm-hmm.
That it's okay. And remember, part of the reason we're having this conversation is that we're here to move forward. We're not here to beat ourselves up and to judge ourselves and have all these regrets. It's not about that. It's about moving forward. It's about knowing that there's 1,000 choices in front of us, and we can change how we show up and what we do in those moments, and every single different choice that we make in those moments is gonna create a different future for us.
Yeah. I love that. And really what this is, guys, as with everything Chris and I talk about, for the most part, is it's a practice. Yes. We have to practice. And so this, we probably should've said this in the beginning, but this is really where we've decided to make this a two-part- Yeah ... um, podcast episode.
Hmm. And so in our next episode we're gonna really start teaching you how to create, intentionally create an empowered identity. And so there's a tool and a strategy that we use with all of our clients that helps you create this, so you have this tangible tool to look at that helps you remember how you wanna show up and how you wanna step into that identity, and you're gonna be able to start practicing that all the time.
, But in this episode, take that with you. Start,, write down- Mm-hmm ... the top three or four questions that you want to ask yourself when you check in with yourself- Yes ... 'cause we're all a little bit different, right? , We gave you some ideas, just what's really important here, what really matters to me, what's the real outcome I wanna get from this situation?
And- And who do I wanna be?
Who do I wanna be, and how do I wanna feel- Yeah ... as a result when this is all said and done, whether it's as simple as a conversation or a big wedding, right? How do I wanna feel at the end of this? And then you can c- sort of start backing into that, knowing how you wanna show up.
That's it. And then yeah, then you just practice- Lining up with the answers to those questions in those moments. And remember, you don't have to be perfect. Yeah. In fact, nobody's perfect. Nope. That's not the goal here. The goal is to get a little bit better, right? To really feel good that you know what, I'm starting to disrupt the patterns.
We're not just doing the same old, same old. We're not just having the same old conversation. I'm just not doing things the exact same way that I've done things for the last 10 years. That's boring, and that is the definition of insanity, because you're probably getting negative returns at this point.
The same results- Same results
over and over again. Yeah.
And so that's why we're here., We can't wait to kind of continue this conversation because we know that this is just the beginning. But remember, the pause and the check-in and you grounding yourself and you asking yourself these questions, the more you practice this, , the more it's gonna set you up for the next stage of this conversation, which is really then getting a little bit clearer on the process of showing up in those moments.
Yeah. And how to make that happen. We can't wait to share that with you guys. Yes, we
can. All right. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for tuning in. Erin?
Yeah. We're gonna see you guys, and we'll be talking to you after the wedding.
Yes, we will. Have a great week, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. Take care.
See you later. Bye, guys. Bye-bye.
Love you. Have a great week.
đź“Ť We are so thankful for you and your beautiful family and hope you found something inside today's episode that brought you hope inspiration, and most importantly, a path forward. If you're interested in evolving your relationship, giving your kids the most important gift of personal growth and development, or are a mom looking to reconnect with your confidence and become empowered in all areas of your life.
Then schedule a discovery call with us today. Our mission is to help as many families as possible, find their purpose. And that starts with you. See you in the next episode, my friends.
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