HOW TO BECOME AN EMPOWERED COUPLE AND BUILD A STRONGER FAMILY
Extraordinary Purpose Podcast
Hosts: Chris Adang and Erin Verdis
Publication-Ready Episode Transcript
This transcript has been lightly edited for readability, punctuation, and clarity while preserving the meaning, stories, and conversational voice of the original episode.
OPENING
Welcome to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast, where we explore some of the truly difficult questions and challenges that parents and their families face every day. Whether it's the sometimes painful process of parenting teens and young adults. Navigating relationships with your partner and children, or you discovering your purpose in relationship with yourself, we will bring heartfelt and vulnerable conversations to the table to support and empower you. Our mission is to help you create a lifestyle full of love, passion, adventure, and influence. Here we go
HOW TO BECOME AN EMPOWERED COUPLE
Welcome back to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast. Is that why you're here? Is that what you're looking for? We hope so. My name is Chris, and as always, I am here with the confident and empowered Erin Verdis. How's it going, sweetheart? I'm doing great, babe. How are you? I'm also doing great. Awesome. How are you doing today? Thank you so much for being here. If you're here, hope you're ready for what's going to be another incredible conversation. Yeah. Today we are talking about how to become an empowered couple to build a stronger family. And that sounds like a lot, but we're going to break it down for you today.
And what this is really about is, we live day in and day out with our partner, your husband, your wife, your partner, whoever that is in your life that you are, , building this life with, raising this family with, running your home with, and we have a lot of differences, mm. As couples, we have different communication styles and different ways that we handle stress, different ways that we parent, different ways that we do just about everything. And today we're going to talk about how to take all those differences and start to maybe have a slightly different perspective on what those look like. Absolutely.
Because if you're married or you have somebody in your life that plays that role of your partner, we all have the ability to be more, and so if you're overwhelmed or you're stressed or you're right, Erin, there's so many issues and challenges , and differences that we have in our partnership dynamic that now is the time to overcome them and unite and come together to make each other stronger. That's what being empowered is all about. And when we are empowered, and I know that's a little bit of an overused word these days, but we're going deeper. We're really going to talk about what that looks like and what it means and how we make it happen
WHY DIFFERENCES CAN BECOME RESENTMENT
I've always said that relationships are so interesting to me they're so complex. And, when you think about it, two people come together from , often very different backgrounds, right? Sure. We're not in the days anymore where o- people are marrying their high school sweetheart or the person they grew up with down the street. So different backgrounds, different values, different cultures sometimes. , Different parents, different upbringings, just different. And we come together either when you're younger and you have children together- or like Chris and I, maybe you're a later relationship in life- Yeah ...
where you're blending families. But you come together with a lot of differences, and we're expected to just, like, make this work perfectly, and it's supposed to look, , like this amazing relationship all the time, and the truth is, it's not. It's challenging. And those differences in the beginning that you thought were cute and sweet and turned you on and made you fall in love with that person, once you get into the throes of everyday life and raising kids and, for us, running a business and running a home and careers and all of these things, those differences can start to become resentments, and you can start to really look at your partner in a different light.
They're no longer cute and sweet. It's what drives you crazy about that person. Yeah. And if you let that go too long, those are the very things that separate two people. , That have people sleeping in different bedrooms and, not talking or passing by like, you know, roommates or just raising kids together like friends instead of true empowered partners for each other. And so that's what we're going to talk about today, is how do we take all of those differences and see them as strengths, see them as your partner's unique gifts in, in life rather than what, drives you crazy and what makes you resentful.
Yeah. In this case, being empowered is about figuring out how to use those things that might currently drive you crazy about your partner or cause conflicts day to day, in the moments when you're making choices or you're handling a situation you know those moments when you're rubbing up against your partner's beliefs or their ways of doing things or their ways of thinking. And what we're going to do today is we're going to start the process of flipping that script and using those differences, using the different background, different beliefs, different ways of doing things as a strength to make the two of you so much stronger, and to eventually get to a point where you're working together more, you're growing together, and you're excited about the direction that you're moving in together and as a family.
SEEING YOUR PARTNER’S DIFFERENCES AS STRENGTHS
So I'm going to go ahead and just share an example from our- Yeah ... relationship, babe. All right. And this is something that Chris and I struggle with from kind of the beginning. When we got married in June, it's interesting because both of us wrote something about this in our vows. And it came out very organically about how we s- now see this as something beautiful in each other. And, Chris, we have always joked that he's kind of the budget guy. He keeps us on track and,, there was a time where,, when you're first kind of building a life together, I felt like he was, like, kind of looking over my shoulder to see what I was spending, and it was driving me crazy.
And then I, , would get on him about being a penny pincher and- ... having too much of a budget, and we fought a lot. It was a problem. Yeah. And he saw me as somebody a little bit my head in the clouds. I had, , too big of a dream sometimes, or I just- Wow ... , believed, like, "Oh, the money will come, and the next step will,, show itself to us. Don't worry so much." And so I'm saying it now lightheartedly, but it caused a lot of problems for a while in our relationship. And over time, both of us came to see that as a strength in each other. Yeah. I came to see Chris as a very safe space, as somebody who, we came from different backgrounds.
Chris came from a more corporate background where- ... he had, a steady income and a 401(k) and all those things that come with that life. I never had any of that. I was a model right out of high school, moved to New York City, traveled the world. I was very whimsical. I spent how I wanted. So I didn't have any of that financial background. And so I came to see him as a very safe space, as somebody who was taking care of our budget- ... and helping to teach me, actually, how to handle finances in a different way. And he came to see me... why don't you tell me how you came to see me at the time?, No, so it's interesting that you're sharing that because when I first met Erin, or you, um, that was something I was really attracted to because it was so much different than in me in the way that I, I currently thought about things.
And you were a dreamer, and you were in the moment, and you were a little impulsive, right? And I- Part of it ... but when you first... But no, I loved it 'cause it was like a breath of fresh air and, , full of life and full of hope and full of possibility and full of excitement and adventure. And, like, all of those things woke me up in a lot of different ways because as Erin said, I mean, she kind of painted me as a very boring guy, but- I did not I have my moments. But she's right, though. And so I think that, you know- As we have moved forward in, in our relationship, there's been moments where that initial excitement of those differences, it caused conflict.
Caused conflict with our parenting and how we handle situations, how we handle money, and so on and so forth.
THE POWER OF A SHARED VISION
But I will say, and this kind of gets us to one of the first ingredients that helps us become an empowered couple or maintain, that connection that I think makes us who we are, is having a shared vision. So if you want to know what makes your differences a strength and then some, it's having a shared vision, meaning that individually... And Erin had a dream when I first met her. I had a dream when I first met her. We shared that with each other when we first met, our first dinner together., But very quickly as we fell in love and we connected and we got to know each other, we came up with our own dreams and vision together.
Yeah. Um, that by the way inspired us and motivated us and brought us closer together than ever before. And so what Erin is saying is that when you have that shared vision, all the sudden those differences become such a strength because you're like, " we need each other." Everybody has different perspectives and different experiences and different ways of thinking and doing things. Yeah. You need that, but you gotta be open-minded too. I was just going to say, you have to be open because the truth is, , the conflict that caused between Chris and I, what was it? It was fear, sure. And so my being the way I, I am organically and naturally, when it woke something up in Chris it scared him a little, right?
'Cause he had lived a certain way for a long time. Now exa- Chris, you are an adventurous person, a big dreamer. , That's what attracted me to you. So I know I painted you a little like a fudgy- Wah, wah Sorry. Corporate Chris. Corporate Chris., I wouldn't have ended up with corporate Chris though. That's true. But the point is that it was a little scary for him, and vice versa, right? When he was trying to keep things on track for us, I felt judged and kind of stupid. Yeah. And like I didn't know enough about money or what did, that he was judging me somehow. When we started to see each other's different qualities as strengths rather than differences or, fear-based judgments, it changed everything for us, and that's no longer an issue anymore.
Now we have come together, and I'm a little bit more like Chris now, and he's a little bit more like me, and that's really what this is all about. Yeah. No, absolutely. And I know we've shared this before, but, Erin and I, we try to come together every single week to talk about our future, talk about our goals, talk about our vision. Because the more you avoid it or the more you don't connect with it, the more that you lose touch with it, but also with each other. Because remember, that's the one thing that's going to bring you together. And Kay, and your vision can include a lot of really meaningful things.
It can be your parenting. It can be your, the things you want to do together as a family, the type of family that you want to have, the types of things that you want to do together as a couple, as a family, individually. These are all the things that are fair game because together, all of those things are possible, okay? And I'm not saying that they're not possible individually, but this is truly the power of a team, and that's the way that I look at Erin. When we're together and we're really united, and we really are empowered, and we've stepped into that identity, I'm telling you, it is an incredible feeling to know that you can literally do anything.
So no matter how big that vision is, no matter how far you want to travel, no matter how much money you want to make, whatever your vision and your goals are, it's possible when you step into this new way of thinking
START WITH SHARED VALUES
Yeah, and sometimes it's really coming back to that shared value, that shared vision that brought you together to begin with, right? You ended up with your partner for a reason. And , Chris and I, we have, we struggle with different things in life. We all have our vices, our struggles, the things that haunt us, the things that we have to overcome and get through, and he and I both have those. You and your partner have those things. But at the end of the day, what Chris and I share, like he said, is growth- Yeah ... and expansion. And that value is what we learned about each other when we first met. It's the foundation of our relationship and our life together.
So when everything gets to be too much, and trust me, we're just like you guys. , We have moments- ... where we're like, "I don't know if I can do this anymore. This is a lot." I'm out of here. I didn't sign up for this shit, right? We all have those moments. , And if you've been married for, like, 30 years, you're like, "This isn't what I signed up for 30 years ago." But when I, we always come back together in remembrance. And for me, it's going out for a walk in the forest- ... or in my meditation when I get quiet with myself and I reflect on him and the love we share, what I come back to is that value of growth and expansion.
And I know that if we continue to, to hone in on that value and come back to that value, all the other stuff, as they say, , is just noise, right? Even the hard stuff, even the stuff that feels insurmountable is possible when you come back to that value And you know what that really emphasizes? Because I think some of us are probably thinking, " we don't have a vision. We don't have a purpose yet together, individually, together as a family," so we're starting from there. So what Erin just said is really important because the first conversation or the first things that you two can start to discuss and get clarity on are your values.
And so Erin said, , ours is growth, it's passion, it's connection, it's traveling. , We have rituals that we d- fitness and exercise and challenging ourselves in different ways. These are some of our values that, by the way, once we got clear on those, we were off to the races when it came to saying, "What do we have to do in terms of a vision and a purpose to really bring those to life and make those really a, a real possibility?" And so that's how you get to your vision, is you start with establishing what those values are. And you can do them individually, you can do them together, you can do them as a family.
All three of those ways are really important so that you can start to feel yourself again as individuals, as a couple, and you can start to get excited about your future.
HOW AN EMPOWERED COUPLE CHANGES THE FAMILY
Yeah, because the truth is, , what we're talking about here, circling back to the beginning, is how we respond to everyday life yeah. When things get chaotic, when our teenagers and young adults are driving us nuts or q- , making us second-guess ourselves, or everything feels like it's falling apart. Chris and I know the difference. When we respond or react to everyday circumstances- ... um, when we're not united, when we don't feel empowered, when we have forgotten our shared values, it's very different than when we remember yeah. We're lethargic. We argue. We nitpick. We're resentful. The house just has an energy about it that doesn't feel good.
And for some people, you've been living like this for a really long time. But when you take the time to slow down and get back to what your values are, what your partner's are, come together, find out which one, which of those values you really share together, when you start responding to all of this chaos of life, raising teens and young adults, from that place as more of a united, empowered front, what a difference in how you show up. You, your energy changes. Your home feels lighter. It's like the clouds part, the sun shines through the windows again. You just, you know what I'm talking about. You feel good again.
You feel like you can take on anything individually, as a couple, and that's what we want for all of you. That's what we want for us. And it's not going to happen 24/7. Yeah. We have to work at it all the time, but what we want to share today are the steps to help you get back to that place. Yeah. So it's not just knowing what your values are, having that vision. It's also knowing how to align and connect with those values every single day. In those moments every single day, , that we talked about when we first started talking today, when there's going to be tension, there's going to be conflict, there's going to be a hard decision or a hard choice to make.
There's an issue with , our kids, which how often does that happen? Probably almost every single day where there's something that needs to be handled. And what we're saying is that when you're an empowered couple and you're in alignment with your values, this is what helps you stay grounded in those moments. And Aaron's absolutely right. The energy is completely different, and that's not only helpful for you, but it's helpful for everybody in your house. And so your kids are going to see it. They're going to feel it. They're going to notice the difference. They're going to respond differently. You can see how this starts to play out.
Yeah, because your kids, as we always say, they're always watching. They're always listening. Yeah. They're always feeling the energy in your home, and so this isn't about being perfect. , We say- that a lot in this podcast. This is about progress. It's about them watching you be more resilient as a couple. That's right. Bounce back from arguments, bounce back from... , you're going to fall off track in life as a couple, individually, and how do you get back on track together? You come back to, to these values.
DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES
And so, a big place where this plays out, which is why we're all here to begin with, is parenting, parenting styles. And so for Chris and I, for instance, I'll give you another example, we do have very different parenting styles. And we've talked about this in the last couple podcasts, I think, is that, or the last couple episodes. , Chris is very patient and very laid back when it comes to parenting, and I sometimes see that as him being passive and he's not doing enough. And, , we're a blended family. Sometimes I want him to be more of a co-parent with me with my kids, and it's just not always his style.
He has his own parenting style. And so when I get frustrated and resentful, it comes out like that. I call him passive and he's not doing enough, and it drives me crazy. But when I get back to myself and I take the time to connect with myself, and I can see his patience and his, , his parenting style is his strength. It's a gift for our family, actually. Yeah. Because then there's me, who's wanting to fix everything immediately and, I'm on top of everything almost too much all the time. That can cause chaos, and that can make everyone in our house feel very on edge at times. And so there is this dance that Chris and I can do together, and there's this ebb and flow, and if we can see those parenting styles as strengths rather than the things that drive us crazy and build up resentments over time, our kids are watching that all the time.
They're seeing that, what we're seeing in each other.
SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE AND COMMUNICATE
Yeah. I wrote an article a couple of days ago, babe. I think it was all about,, just how to change your perspective. So I think sometimes we get stuck in our stories, stuck in a certain way of thinking about someone, certain habits and patterns and things like that. Real easy to kind of fall into that, and when you're able just to kind of step back for a minute and shift your perspective, and what you just said there is exactly that, is something that, , initially can be perceived as, ", I don't like that," or, "That doesn't work," or, "I don't agree with that," or whatever the case may be, all of a sudden realize that, oh, I actually see that, I see how that can be helpful.
I see how we can work with that. Because by the way, part of , making this work, part of becoming an empowered couple, is realizing that nobody has all the answers. Nobody's right, nobody's wrong, nobody has all the answers, right? It's about coming together and actually talking. I guess that's the one thing that we haven't talked about yet, right? And when you actually come together with an open mind and curious and you're not going to, you're not going to judge each other, you're just going to talk and be vulnerable with each other, and be open-minded enough to say, "You know what? I'm willing to compromise," or, "I'm willing to work with you on this," or, "Here's what I think is, together we think this is, the right step for us to handle this situation," man, does that feel good.
It does.
WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER ISN’T READY?
And I want to speak to this too because I do work with some moms- who,, they struggle with this within their partnership, but their, their husband for instance, their partner in their mind would never be willing to do this work- ... or isn't willing to have that conversation. They'd never look in the mirror and actually, , look at themselves or... And so what I want to say if you're listening to this thinking, "God, that sounds like a dream, but I don't have a partner that would actually do that,", I want to say that, then focus on you. Yeah. You can always single-handedly shift a relationship when you can just focus on yourself and how you're showing up and how you're perceiving your partner.
And when you can see that differently on your own, that makes all the difference. You don't always have to have your partner there if you're in that kind of a situation. So I just wanted to speak to that.
A CHALLENGE FOR COUPLES THIS WEEK
So this week, what you can really do, um, as a little bit of a challenge is, number one, if you are, , with a partner who's willing to , come together with your partner and be curious with each other and just ask each other, "Who do we want to become together? What do we want the future to look like together?" Maybe visit some of your values, maybe get back to sharing us the story of what brought you together, what made you fall in love with each other to begin with. And another challenge is to look at one area of life where you blame each other, where you're resentful towards each other, where those, what could be strengths turn into finger-pointing and blaming, and see how you might be able to see that differently on your own.
Go for a walk, meditate, take a hot bath, think about your partner, think about something that they're doing that's been driving you crazy, where you're resentful, and see how you might be able to change that perspective and give it a different meaning.
CONSISTENCY CREATES CONNECTION
Yeah. And one conversation , can make such a big difference 'cause it's going to get this process started. And man, that in itself is such a good feeling, now, it's not going to solve all your problems. It's not going to immediately bring you together and make everything better, but it's going to be a step in the right direction. And something that I want for all of us to always remember is that the name of the game is consistency. And so if you have this one conversation, schedule a weekly conversation so that each conversation, it's building on each other, you're coming a little bit closer. Each time you start to work through this, it does take some practice, and you'll learn how to communicate this way.
You'll learn how to shift your perspective and start to remember what you love about each other. That vision for your future will start to get clearer and clearer and clearer. And the more that that does, by the way, the more excited and hopeful both of you are going to feel.
CLOSING
Love that. All right, guys, thanks so much for tuning in. Um, love all of you. Hope you have a great week. We'll talk to you soon. Love you guys. Have a good week. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye.
EXTRAORDINARY PURPOSE OUTRO
we are so thankful for you and your beautiful family and hope you found something inside today's episode that brought you hope inspiration, and most importantly, a path forward. If you're interested in evolving your relationship, giving your kids the most important gift of personal growth and development, or are a mom looking to reconnect with your confidence and become empowered in all areas of your life. Then schedule a discovery call with us today. Our mission is to help as many families as possible, find their purpose. And that starts with you. See you in the next episode, my friends.
