HOW TO HELP YOUR TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT FIND PURPOSE AND DIRECTION
Extraordinary Purpose Podcast With Chris Adang
EPISODE SUMMARY
If your teen or young adult feels unmotivated, lost, overwhelmed, or
unsure about their future, this episode explores a different place to
begin. Purpose does not start with choosing the perfect college major,
career, or job. It starts with understanding who you are and what
matters to you.
Chris shares his own experience of feeling lost as a young adult and
explains how identity, values, curiosity, exploration, meaningful
conversations, and small steps can help teens and young adults develop
greater confidence, purpose, and direction.
KEY TOPICS
• Helping teens and young adults find purpose and direction • Lack of
motivation and uncertainty about the future • Identity and
self-discovery • Values as a compass for direction • Curiosity,
interests, passions, and exploration • Building confidence through
action • How parents can support without controlling or fixing •
Vulnerability and connection between parents and their children • Simple
ways families can explore ideas and curiosities together
TRANSCRIPT
INTRODUCTION
Everything you try, every conversation you have, every place you go,
every book you read, it doesn’t matter what curiosity we’re talking
about, it is a step toward your purpose.
It’s a step toward learning more about yourself and the world. A step
toward really seeing and believing in yourself like never before.
Welcome to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast, where we explore some of
the truly difficult questions and challenges that parents and their
families face every day.
Whether it’s the sometimes painful process of parenting teens and young
adults, navigating relationships with your partner and children, or
discovering your purpose and your relationship with yourself, we bring
heartfelt and vulnerable conversations to the table to support and
empower you.
Our mission is to help you create a lifestyle full of love, passion,
adventure, and influence. Here we go.
WHEN YOUR TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT HAS NO DIRECTION
Welcome back to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast. It is so good to see
you.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy life and your busy day, away
from the noise, chaos, distractions, jobs, kids, and everything else on
the list. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for what
I think is going to be an incredible conversation.
Today’s topic comes from the countless conversations we have with
parents every day, every week, every month, and every year. We’ve heard
versions of this from the very beginning, when we first started doing
this work about 15 years ago.
Usually, some of the first words out of a parent’s mouth are:
“I’m afraid.”
I’m afraid my kid doesn’t have direction. They don’t have purpose. They
don’t have the tools to figure it out. They’re not motivated. They’re
distracted all the time. I’m scared.
Those words resonate because Erin and I are also parents of four
teenagers and young adults who are trying to figure out their lives.
We know they will. And we all eventually get to a point where we have to
take our hands a little more off the wheel and focus on the things we
can control.
But there are moments when we’re afraid because of what we’re seeing. We
notice the lack of motivation, lack of confidence, bad habits, and
distractions. As parents, those things can feel like red flags.
It is human nature, and parent nature, to want to fix it or control it.
But our kids are not broken.
They do need us to guide them and be there for them in different ways,
and that is what today’s conversation is all about.
REMEMBERING WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE A YOUNG ADULT
As I thought about how I wanted to have this conversation with you, I
started thinking about where I was when I was 19 or 20 years old and in
college.
I was overwhelmed. I was lost. I was a boy with big dreams.
I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be an actor. For a while, I wanted to
be a director. I wanted to be a talk show host. I wanted to be a radio
DJ.
I had all of these dreams and things I was interested in, but I had no
ability to take action toward them.
The more I thought about them, the more stuck I became. That was a very
scary feeling.
I spent a good amount of my college experience feeling stuck, scared,
overwhelmed, and unsure of what to do. I tried a lot of different
things, and I guess that was the good part of my college experience, but
it was also a very difficult time for me.
To be honest, it’s a big reason I’m here talking to you today.
I remember what it was like to be a young adult. I remember what it felt
like to have a big goal or dream and also what it felt like not to know
what I wanted. I know how hard that was.
Fast-forward 30 years, and life and the world have not gotten any
easier.
But I can tell you how I eventually found my purpose and direction. I
think it’s important for us as parents to remember what we had to go
through to get where we are today.
A lot of parenting happens through the rearview mirror. We learned
through trial and error, and now we have some answers. But our kids
don’t have all of those answers yet. They haven’t had those experiences.
That is important to remember.
THE MENTOR WHO HELPED ME SLOW DOWN
When I was about 20 years old, a mentor came into my life. His name was
Russ, and he played a really important role in my life.
Russ helped me do something I had not been able to do up until that
point: slow down.
I was going a million miles a minute. Even though I wasn’t actually
moving forward, my mind was going a million miles a minute.
I think we all know what that can feel like. You feel unsettled,
nervous, and anxious.
Russ taught me how to slow down so I could gain one of the most
important things we need: perspective.
When you have perspective, you can begin connecting with something even
more important than purpose: yourself.
That is what Russ helped me do.
He didn’t tell me what my skills, talents, strengths, and best qualities
were. He guided me toward seeing them for myself.
That is an important part of this process.
You have to see it for yourself.
Someone saying, “You’re really good at that,” can be helpful
information. But it is a completely different experience when you reach
the conclusion yourself:
“Yes. This is who I am. This is what I’m about. These are the things I’m
excellent at or passionate about.”
That is where I started to get.
DON’T JUST EXPLORE. GO DEEPER.
Because I was slowing down and reconnecting with myself, I was also able
to go deeper.
It’s one thing to know something about yourself. It’s another to have an
idea of something you might be able to do with who you are.
But one of the problems today is that we often don’t take things far
enough to understand what they’re capable of becoming or what their
potential might be.
Most importantly, we don’t always stay with something long enough to
ask:
“Does this actually resonate with me?”
That was something my mentor helped me do.
When I had an idea, I didn’t just skim the surface. I went deeper. I
learned about it. I researched it. I talked to people who were doing it.
That is a big reason I’m here talking to you today.
It wasn’t just research, learning, finding out more about myself, and
gaining a fresh perspective on myself, the world, life, and my place in
it.
It was also having incredible conversations.
Those conversations opened doors and opportunities. I met people,
including one person in particular, and by the time I finished that
conversation, I knew.
I walked away knowing this was what I wanted to do with the rest of my
life.
That happened a little while after college, so there were plenty of jobs
and things I tried along the way, some successfully and some not so
successfully.
But I eventually reached a point where I could bring it together, have
the right conversations, build my confidence, and commit.
PARENTS: SHARE THE JOURNEY, NOT JUST THE RESULT
I’m sharing this because I think it’s important for parents to remember
our own journeys.
Remember what wasn’t easy.
Remember the challenges you went through, whatever they were.
That is one of the ways we connect with our kids: by being vulnerable
and sharing those parts of our journey, not just the end result.
Our kids often see us now. Maybe we’re confident. Maybe we have parts of
our lives figured out. Sometimes we can project the idea that we have
all the answers and have solved all the problems.
But what if the way into their world is to open up about your journey?
Go back to high school or college. Talk about relationship struggles.
Talk about finding your purpose. Talk about not knowing what you wanted
to major in. Talk about challenges in class or out in the real world.
What if you started sharing some of those things?
How could that help your kids?
PURPOSE STARTS WITH KNOWING YOURSELF
Now let’s get more specific about finding purpose.
Part of finding your purpose is getting to know yourself.
That’s the process I went through, and it’s a process we take parents
and young adults through all the time.
It’s beautiful to watch someone begin the process without really knowing
themselves. They may not know their passions. They may not have goals.
They may have no idea, or only a hazy idea, of what they want for their
future.
Then, over time, they begin to gain clarity.
One of the first and most important things young adults, parents, and
all of us can get clear on before finding purpose is our values.
If you follow our work, you know that much of our coaching is about
identity.
Even though our brand is called Extraordinary Purpose, a major part of
how we help people find their extraordinary purpose is by helping them
build their identity, see themselves more clearly, and recognize their
potential.
At the core of that are your values.
VALUES ARE DIRECTION BEFORE YOU HAVE DIRECTION
Here’s the headline:
Values are your direction before you actually have direction.
Before you know exactly what you want, knowing your values gives you
something to navigate life with. It helps you make choices and begin
finding your direction.
Values are special ingredients that are unique to you.
When you start putting them together, they can become a road sign toward
your direction and purpose.
There is something powerful about realizing that you can begin seeing
yourself more clearly simply by slowing down and paying attention to
these important parts of who you are.
How often do we actually stop and ask, “What are my values?”
Values are the things that are most important to you.
Here’s one way I like to think about it:
Imagine I met you on the street or at a store. We had an incredible
five-minute conversation and I got to know the real you. When I walked
away, what are three qualities I would remember about you?
Those could potentially point toward your values.
When I went through this process, one of the values I recognized in
myself was kindness. Interestingly, that was something other people had
also told me they saw in me.
Does that mean I’m always kind? No.
But when I’m aligned with that value, I feel amazing. I feel aligned
with my purpose.
Other important values for me include positivity and motivation.
Am I always positive? Am I always motivating? No.
But when I’m talking to you, when I’m coaching, and sometimes when I’m
with my kids, even though they don’t always want to hear it, those parts
of me come out.
Those are important parts of who I am.
When they come out, I feel my best. I feel capable of making a
difference.
When you know your values, and when your kids know theirs, they become a
roadmap or compass for finding direction and purpose.
IDENTITY IS A PUZZLE
Values are not the only parts of identity.
There are passions, talents, strengths, unique qualities, personality,
interests, and so many other ingredients that make up who we are.
I love thinking about these as puzzle pieces.
First, how do I identify the pieces?
Then, how do I put them together?
If I had to describe a big part of our coaching process for helping
people find themselves, their direction, and their purpose, that would
be it.
So how can we help our kids and young adults learn more about themselves
and, in this case, their values?
Have a conversation at the dinner table.
But don’t necessarily ask them first.
Share yours.
A big part of becoming an extraordinary parent is leading first, with
honesty and vulnerability. Create a space where you can share openly and
expect nothing in return.
Every time you open up, become vulnerable, or have a different kind of
conversation, you’re planting seeds.
Planting seeds is something Erin is also incredibly passionate about
because it’s one of the ways parents create influence.
We may not be able to control our kids, and we certainly don’t want to
fix them, but we can have influence.
YOUR TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES YET
Even if you know some of your values, interests, or hobbies, there is
still more to discover.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, but this is especially true during
high school, college, and your 20s:
You have not learned everything there is to know about yourself yet.
And that is exciting.
There is so much more to learn, do, and experience. That means there is
so much more growing to do.
But we have to begin that process.
One of the best ways to start is by becoming more curious.
CURIOSITY CAN LEAD TO PURPOSE
If I had to rank the skills that are important for becoming happier,
more successful, productive, confident, and purposeful, curiosity would
be near the very top.
Curiosity is also incredibly important for parents.
How often do we enter conversations with our kids closed-minded,
thinking we already have the answers or preparing to tell them what to
do?
As soon as we do that, we can close off communication.
We’re trying to do the opposite.
We want to open the door into their world and keep it open. We want to
step onto their turf so we can understand who our kids are today, what
they’re experiencing, and where they may need our support.
We need to connect with them.
Curiosity helps us do that.
And curiosity for our kids means practicing the skill of opening their
minds to the world around them.
What ideas do they have?
What interests them?
What experiences would they like to have?
What kinds of people would they like to meet?
What subjects would they like to learn more about?
How many times have you had an idea and never followed through with it?
I have a long list.
But where do those ideas come from?
They come from us. They come from inside us. They can tell us something
about who we are.
Our ideas, thoughts, feelings, interests, and curiosities can come from
an important place.
When I was young, I seriously thought about becoming an actor, but I was
unwilling to take the first step.
When I stop and think about that, it still affects me.
In some ways, I’m grateful because I don’t know whether I would be here
today, living my purpose and enjoying what I do as much as I do.
But I also know I missed opportunities because I didn’t act.
YOUR PURPOSE MAY BE OUTSIDE YOUR CURRENT CIRCLE
What we want to create for our kids is an environment where they know
their curiosities, ideas, and interests, and where they feel encouraged
to try things.
That is how we learn and grow.
It’s how we have new experiences.
Ultimately, it is one of the ways we find ourselves.
There is so much out there.
And it’s possible that our purpose is outside our current circle.
Maybe it hasn’t been discovered yet because we haven’t discovered the
parts of ourselves that are going to connect with it.
A SIMPLE FAMILY PRACTICE: IDEAS AND CURIOSITIES
Here is a simple process families can use to develop curiosity.
Throughout the week, I keep a folder in the Notes app on my phone called
“Ideas and Curiosities.”
Inside is a list of ideas, interests, and things that randomly pop into
my head at the gym, while walking the dog, or throughout the day.
As soon as I have an idea, before it vanishes or gets buried underneath
the chaos and distraction, I write it down.
Once a week, you can do something similar as a family.
Come together and open your lists of ideas and curiosities.
Share them out loud.
This is another opportunity to be vulnerable, open, honest, and have
some fun. These can be exciting things you’re thinking about or would
like to explore.
Then pick one or two for the week ahead.
And ask:
“What is the first step?”
That was always one of my biggest challenges, and it’s a challenge we
see with many young adults.
Sometimes they do have an idea of what they want to do. The challenge is
breaking it down into the first or next step they need to take to begin
making progress.
That follow-through can change everything.
Every first step teaches you something about yourself.
Everything you try, every conversation you have, every place you go,
every book you read, it doesn’t matter what curiosity we’re talking
about, it is a step toward your purpose.
A step toward learning more about yourself and the world.
A step toward really seeing and believing in yourself like never before.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT TODAY
The spirit of this conversation is understanding what it takes to find
direction and purpose.
We talked about slowing down and seeing yourself more clearly.
We talked about values and how they can become a compass for navigating
choices and understanding yourself.
We talked about the different pieces of identity and how they can begin
fitting together.
And we talked about the fact that we don’t know everything about
ourselves yet.
That is a good thing.
I want all of us to keep learning more about ourselves every day.
You do not have to solve all of this today or tomorrow. In fact, you
can’t.
But you can learn a little bit every day.
You can grow a little bit every day.
You can become a little more confident every day by trying new things,
paying attention to what resonates, and making a few different choices.
Over time, you or your young adult can begin pulling those pieces
together.
A MESSAGE FOR PARENTS
Thank you so much for tuning into this conversation, listening, and
thinking about what this means for you and your family.
Take the spirit of this conversation back to your kitchen table, a car
ride, a walk, or a vacation. Find opportunities to connect with your
teen or young adult differently and explore some of these ideas
together.
And if you ever need someone to talk to, if you’re overwhelmed, afraid,
anxious, have lost track of who you are as a person or parent, or are
worried about your teen or young adult’s confidence, motivation,
purpose, or direction, reach out.
Schedule a discovery call.
We always love talking with parents. There is absolutely no obligation
or commitment. We want to hear from you, support you and your family,
and help you move toward your potential and a life that feels
meaningful.
Thank you so much for tuning in. Talk to you next time.
OUTRO
We are so thankful for you and your beautiful family, and we hope you
found something inside today’s episode that brought you hope,
inspiration, and, most importantly, a path forward.
If you’re interested in evolving your relationship, giving your kids the
gift of personal growth and development, or reconnecting with your own
confidence and purpose, schedule a discovery call with us today.
Our mission is to help as many families as possible find their purpose.
And that starts with you.
See you in the next episode, my friends.
LEARN MORE
Extraordinary Purpose provides life coaching for teens, high school
students, young adults, college students, and parents, with a focus on
identity, confidence, connection, motivation, direction, and purpose.
Website: https://www.myextraordinarypurpose.com/
Schedule a Complimentary Discovery Call:
https://calendly.com/extraordinarypurpose/young-adult-discovery-call
