WHY YOUR TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT HAS NO MOTIVATION, AND WHAT PARENTS CAN DO
Extraordinary Purpose Podcast Chris Adang & Erin Verdis
EPISODE OVERVIEW
Your teen or young adult may look lazy, distracted, stuck, or
unmotivated. But what if lack of motivation is not actually the problem?
In this episode, Chris Adang and Erin Verdis explore what is often
happening below the surface: fear, overwhelm, resistance, negative
self-talk, uncertainty, distractions, unhealthy environments, and habits
that make it harder to move forward.
The core message: motivation does not always come before action. Often,
motivation begins to grow after we take the first step.
Topics include teen motivation, young adult motivation, procrastination,
fear and perfectionism, confidence, identity, habits and routines,
phones and social media, internal and external environments,
self-awareness, direction, purpose, and how parents can support teens
and young adults without relying on pressure or constant reminders.
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
CHRIS: It’s not because they don’t care. It’s not because they’re lazy.
It’s not because they’re not passionate about something deep down
inside. They might not know what that is or how to access it, but it’s
not because of any of those things, and it’s not because they’re not
motivated.
It’s because they’re scared to death, and it paralyzes them.
INTRO: Welcome to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast, where we explore
some of the truly difficult questions and challenges that parents and
their families face every day.
Whether it’s the sometimes painful process of parenting teens and young
adults, navigating relationships with your partner and children, or
discovering your purpose and your relationship with yourself, we bring
heartfelt and vulnerable conversations to the table to support and
empower you.
Our mission is to help you create a lifestyle full of love, passion,
adventure, and influence. Here we go.
WHY DOES MY TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT SEEM UNMOTIVATED?
CHRIS: Welcome back to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast. I’m Chris, and
as always, I’m here with Erin Verdis. It is so good to be with you.
Thank you for being here with us today.
Erin, do you want to introduce our topic?
ERIN: We talk about motivation on this podcast a lot, and there’s a good
reason for that. We hear it from parents over and over again: “They’re
not motivated. They seem lazy. They don’t have any motivation.”
We hear it from some of the young adults we work with, too: “I’m just
not motivated. I need to be motivated.”
What we want to talk about today is that motivation is not just a
switch. It’s not something you either have or don’t have. It’s something
that can be cultivated, and part of that is understanding the conditions
that help you feel motivated.
CHRIS: Who doesn’t want to feel motivated? But I think part of this
conversation is getting clear about what motivation actually looks like.
A lot of people expect to wake up and feel a certain way, to have that
“rah-rah” feeling and suddenly have everything they need to do all the
things they want to do.
That feeling rarely exists first.
ERIN: Exactly. As parents, what we often see as a lack of motivation is
our kids zoning out on their phones, showing no urgency, not seeming
excited to get up and do something, or needing constant reminders about
what needs to get done.
Chris and I are parents of four. We have teens and young adults, so
we’re in the same boat.
But those behaviors are often symptoms of something bigger. There is
usually something going on underneath what looks like a lack of
motivation.
MOTIVATION IS OFTEN A SYMPTOM, NOT THE REAL PROBLEM
CHRIS: I think it starts with knowing what you want. We challenge
parents and young adults to ask: What do you want today to look like?
You don’t have to have your entire life figured out. But there are
usually things you know will help you feel better and move forward.
The challenge is that there are forces working against us from the
minute we wake up. Resistance, distractions, uncertainty, and fear can
stop us from doing the very things that would help us gain clarity about
ourselves and our future.
ERIN: Even the things we know are important to us, the things we love
and are passionate about, can create resistance.
In our parenting and young adult programs, we spend time helping people
understand what matters to them, their values, strengths, and passions.
But even when you know those things, moving forward can still be hard.
I’ll use myself as an example. I’ve wanted to write a book for a long
time. I’m a writer. I’ve been writing since I was a kid, and I know it’s
one of my greatest passions.
So it wasn’t a lack of knowing what I wanted. There was fear around it.
Am I going to do it perfectly? What exactly is the book about? What’s
the through line? What’s the core message?
For a long time, those questions became reasons not to start.
A few weeks ago, I finally decided I just had to begin. I started
getting up earlier and setting aside 60 to 90 minutes to write stories.
It didn’t have to look a certain way. It didn’t have to be perfect. I
didn’t have to know exactly where it was going.
I just had to get started.
And now I feel motivated.
That motivation showed up on the other side of the resistance.
Motivation doesn’t always come first. Sometimes we overcome some of the
fear, take the first few steps, and then the motivation begins to grow.
WHY FEAR CAN LOOK LIKE LAZINESS OR PROCRASTINATION
CHRIS: That’s such an important distinction.
Resistance, distraction, and negative self-talk can become especially
strong around the things that matter most: your passions, your career,
your future, or something you’ve wanted to do for years.
We see resistance with everyday responsibilities, chores, and difficult
conversations. But because we talk with young adults so often, we see
how strong it can become around anything connected to their future or
purpose.
Ironically, the thing that matters deeply to you can sometimes be the
thing you feel least motivated to do until you figure out how to take
the first step.
And once you take that step, the feeling you were waiting for can begin
to appear.
ERIN: If I can experience that as an adult with a lot of life
experience, imagine how a young adult can feel.
What parents sometimes forget is that what looks like a lack of
motivation can be a symptom of fear: fear of rejection, fear of not
doing something perfectly, fear of letting their parents down, fear of
making the wrong choice.
That fear can become paralyzing.
It’s not because they don’t want to do anything. It’s not because they
don’t care. It’s not because they’re lazy. And it’s not necessarily
because they aren’t passionate about something deep down inside.
They may not know what that passion is yet or how to access it.
They may simply be afraid.
As parents, we experience fear too. We avoid confronting conversations.
We worry about work, relationships, and our own decisions.
Remembering that can help us give our teens and young adults more grace.
CHRIS: It can also help to remember what it felt like to be their age.
During the teenage years and well into your twenties, fear, overwhelm,
and uncertainty can look like procrastination, laziness, distraction, or
avoiding the things that matter.
Those are the surface-level behaviors.
Below the surface, a teen or young adult may still be trying to figure
out: Who am I? What do I want? What matters to me? What do I do next?
It’s no wonder they can feel overwhelmed.
YOUR INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT: THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND SELF-TALK
ERIN: Young people often don’t have language for the fears they’re
experiencing. They may not be able to come to you and say, “I’m afraid
of rejection,” or “Perfectionism is keeping me stuck.”
That brings us to the internal environment.
Your internal environment includes your thoughts, your inner dialogue,
your self-talk, your emotions, and the thoughts you allow to guide your
life.
We aren’t necessarily taught how to understand this in school. Unless we
begin exploring personal growth, coaching, journaling, or other ways of
understanding our inner world, we may not know what to do with it.
It’s important for parents to become more aware of their own internal
environment so they can better help their teen or young adult understand
theirs.
CHRIS: One of the most important skills we can develop is learning how
to navigate our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and self-talk.
When we’re young, those thoughts can feel incredibly powerful. They can
control our behaviors and contribute to the symptoms we’ve already
discussed.
Learning to navigate that internal environment in a healthier way helps
us choose where we put our focus.
ERIN: And it’s absolutely possible to change it.
One of my favorite things to work on with young women is helping them
shift negative self-talk and negative thinking.
Over time, “I can’t do this” can become, “It’s possible I could do this.
It’s possible I could follow through. It’s possible I could explore this
passion or interest.”
It takes practice.
CHRIS: It’s almost like building a muscle. At first, becoming aware of
difficult thoughts and feelings can be uncomfortable.
But the more you learn to notice and observe them, the less you have to
avoid them. Eventually, you’re in a better position to make different
choices, change your focus, and take small steps forward.
HOW YOUR EXTERNAL ENVIRONMENT AFFECTS MOTIVATION
ERIN: The next piece is the external environment: the things around us
that can distract us, weigh us down, keep us stuck, or keep us small.
Phones, social media, and screens are an obvious example.
CHRIS: We’re not anti-phone or anti-social media. We are for helping
teens, young adults, and parents feel good and spend their time in
productive and fulfilling ways.
Learning to manage distractions isn’t necessarily going to make you feel
instantly pumped up and motivated. But it can help you feel better, and
feeling better can make a huge difference.
ERIN: Peers and relationships matter too.
For teens and young adults, friends can have an enormous influence.
Romantic relationships can also consume a lot of time and attention.
Sometimes what appears to be a lack of motivation is partly the result
of where their energy is going.
CHRIS: The people around us can either bring out our best, give us
energy, and help us move forward, or they can hold us back and make it
harder to believe in ourselves.
That’s why becoming more intentional about the people we surround
ourselves with matters.
Places matter too.
Where do you spend your time? Does that space help you focus? Does it
help you relax? Can you get away from the noise?
Erin and I call this finding your sacred space.
CREATING A SACRED SPACE
ERIN: Creating a sacred space is one of the first rituals we teach.
It’s a physical space and a mindset. It might be a bedroom, an office,
or another quiet place. You can even create a version of it on the go
with headphones and the right music.
The point is to block out distractions and reconnect with deeper parts
of yourself.
Your other physical spaces matter too. Is your bedroom organized, or
does it feel chaotic? Can you think clearly there? Do you sleep well
there?
What about where you work, study, exercise, or spend time?
We have more control over our environments than we sometimes realize. We
can upgrade them.
CHRIS: So many people are living on autopilot. When you’re on autopilot,
you may not notice the effect your surroundings are having on your
beliefs, feelings, focus, and ability to do what matters.
Creating space to slow down gives you the opportunity to notice.
Maybe your friends are holding you back. Maybe your job is draining you.
Maybe what you’re studying doesn’t connect with who you are or what you
enjoy.
Awareness puts you in a position to make different choices.
USE DISCOMFORT AS INFORMATION
ERIN: Negative thoughts, difficult self-talk, and environments that
don’t support us aren’t things we need to simply push away.
They can be clues.
Instead of believing you must be positive all the time, get curious.
“This doesn’t feel good.” “This doesn’t feel aligned with me.” “I don’t
feel like the best version of myself around these people.” “This
environment drains me.”
Then ask: What isn’t working here? What might work better for me?
CHRIS: That curiosity is important.
Instead of moving through life on autopilot, become intentional about
experiencing and noticing the different parts of your life, including
the difficult parts.
That’s how you learn who you are, what matters to you, what doesn’t
matter to you, what’s working, and what needs to change.
Avoidance is especially common when young adults think about their
future because the future can feel scary, big, and overwhelming.
But the more willing you are to look at it, the more clarity you can
begin to create.
HEALTHY HABITS CREATE THE CONDITIONS FOR MOTIVATION
ERIN: Another major contributor to what can look like a lack of
motivation is our habits and the conditions we create every day.
Sleep matters. Movement matters. Walking outside in nature matters.
Going to the gym, stretching, eating well, drinking water, and taking
care of yourself matter.
Some of these sound simple, but they can change your emotional state and
internal environment quickly.
CHRIS: The purpose of healthy habits isn’t simply to say you have good
habits.
Habits help create the conditions that allow you to do the other
important things in your life.
Erin and I go to the gym consistently. For me, it’s not just about
physical fitness. It prepares me to coach, record this podcast, spend
time with my family, focus, and show up the way I want to show up.
Healthy habits can give you energy, focus, discipline, and greater
capacity to do what matters.
ERIN: That’s why we call many of the habits in our coaching programs
rituals.
Sleep, movement, nutrition, hydration, nature, journaling, and other
small rituals can have a much bigger impact on motivation than people
realize.
PREPARATION AND PLANNING REDUCE RESISTANCE
CHRIS: Whatever you’ve been putting off, there may be a habit that makes
taking action easier.
Erin, when you started writing your book, what habit helped you get
going?
ERIN: Setting aside the time.
I had to become intentional about when I was going to write. That
connects to another important piece: knowing yourself.
When is your best energy during the day? What drains you? What supports
you?
My best energy is in the morning, so I decided to get up before everyone
else, come into the office, and write.
I also started getting more organized. I know what my writing prompt is
before I sit down. I have an outline ready. I removed some of the
uncertainty that had been creating resistance.
Once I started, I got excited. I began seeing through lines and how the
stories could connect.
Then the motivation followed.
CHRIS: There are two important lessons there.
First, get organized and prepared.
How often do we intentionally get everything ready the day before so we
can reduce the resistance that might appear when it’s time to act?
Second, create your day.
A productive, fulfilling day doesn’t always happen automatically. You
need to make room for the things that matter.
We plan school. We plan work. But many of us don’t plan the rest of our
day.
What if you introduced just enough structure to create time for the
things you’ve been putting off? A passion project. A healthy habit. A
hobby. Starting a business. Writing a book. Exploring something you’re
curious about.
Preparation and planning can make action easier.
KNOW YOURSELF
ERIN: This naturally leads to knowing yourself.
When is your best energy? What drains you? What supports you? Who can
you turn to when you need help? What kind of organization works for you?
What resources help you move forward?
Only you can discover the answers that work best for you.
As parents, we can help our kids explore those questions.
When is your best energy? What helps you get started? What environments
support you? What healthier habits could you introduce? What’s happening
internally that may be holding you back?
The goal isn’t to talk at them or tell them exactly what to do.
Share your experiences. Tell stories about times you struggled or
overcame resistance. Help them find a process that allows them to
understand who they are, what they want, and what helps them move
forward.
HELP THEM TAKE THE FIRST STEP
CHRIS: Figuring out who you are and what you want can feel enormous.
Sometimes the only way to learn is to get started.
As parents, one of the most useful questions becomes: How can I help my
child take the first step?
We need to understand that they’re not always going to feel motivated.
None of us wake up every day feeling ready to crush it.
But we can create conditions that make taking the first step easier.
And once you take that step, a couple of important things happen.
First, you often begin to feel better because you’ve proven to yourself
that you can move.
Second, every step teaches you something about yourself.
Whether you’re building a habit, exploring a curiosity, pursuing a
passion, or simply handling a responsibility, following through builds
identity and character.
Those things matter when you’re trying to discover your future.
ERIN: We hear parents say that their child doesn’t seem excited about
coaching or personal growth.
That doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want it. They may not know what
it is yet.
Sometimes they simply need help taking that first step.
So the next time your teen or young adult seems unmotivated, get
curious.
Ask how they’re feeling. Ask what they’re afraid of. Ask what may be
happening underneath the thing they aren’t getting done.
Instead of talking at them or immediately telling them what to do,
create enough space to understand what’s really going on.
You may get very different answers when you approach the conversation
differently.
CLOSING
CHRIS: Thank you so much for being here and joining this conversation.
ERIN: We love you guys, and we’ll see you next week.
CHRIS: Take care.
OUTRO: We are so thankful for you and your beautiful family, and we hope
you found something inside today’s episode that brought you hope,
inspiration, and, most importantly, a path forward.
If you’re interested in evolving your relationship, giving your kids the
gift of personal growth and development, or reconnecting with your own
confidence and purpose, schedule a discovery call with us today.
Our mission is to help as many families as possible find their purpose.
And that starts with you.
See you in the next episode.
KEY TOPICS
Parents of teens and young adults; teen motivation; young adult
motivation; unmotivated teenager; unmotivated young adult;
procrastination; fear; perfectionism; overwhelm; resistance; confidence;
identity; self-talk; healthy habits; routines and rituals; phones and
social media; distractions; internal environment; external environment;
self-awareness; direction; purpose; parenting teens; parenting young
adults; life coaching for teens; life coaching for young adults; life
coaching for parents.
ABOUT EXTRAORDINARY PURPOSE
Extraordinary Purpose provides life, career, and mindset coaching for
teens, high school students, college students, young adults, and
parents. Our work helps individuals and families build confidence,
understand identity and values, create greater clarity and direction,
develop healthier habits, strengthen relationships, and move toward a
meaningful life with purpose.
Website: https://www.myextraordinarypurpose.com
Episode title: Why Your Teen or Young Adult Has No Motivation, and What
Parents Can Do Podcast: Extraordinary Purpose Podcast Hosts: Chris Adang
and Erin Verdis
