WHEN TO STEP IN AND WHEN TO STEP BACK WITH YOUR TEEN OR YOUNG ADULT
Extraordinary Purpose Podcast
Publication-Ready Episode Transcript
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
When should parents step in and help a teen or young adult, and when should they step back and create space for independence, resilience, and ownership? Chris and Erin explore how the parent-child relationship evolves as kids get older, why over-helping can get in the way of growth, and how parents can lead with presence, curiosity, trust, vulnerability, and intention.
Topics include parenting teens and young adults, young adult independence, taking ownership, confidence, resilience, parent-child communication, letting go, self-reflection, mentorship, and knowing when to offer support.
FEATURED TAKEAWAY
“When we show up in this middle space, and we’re present, we’re curious, we show them that we trust them, and we are intentional about how we show up, what we’re doing for them is teaching them that they’re capable.”
TRANSCRIPT
INTRO
CHRIS:
Welcome to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast, where we explore some of the truly difficult questions and challenges that parents and their families face every day. Whether it’s the sometimes painful process of parenting teens and young adults, navigating relationships with your partner and children, or discovering your purpose and your relationship with yourself, we bring heartfelt and vulnerable conversations to the table to support and empower you.
Our mission is to help you create a lifestyle full of love, passion, adventure, and influence. Here we go.
CHRIS:
Welcome to the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast. I’m Chris, and as always, I am with the absolutely incredible Erin. What’s up, sweetheart?
ERIN:
Hello, hello. Hey babe, how are you?
CHRIS:
I’m doing well. Feeling good. I’m glad to have everyone listening today and having this conversation with us.
ERIN:
This is honestly one of our favorite times of the week.
CHRIS:
We talk about some really good things, things we think you’re going to like and things that are important to us. Erin and I are both parents. We have four kids between the two of us, so we’re right in this with you. Let’s have this conversation together.
ERIN:
I love it. And I have to say, every time we get off this podcast, I feel like I’ve learned so much myself. I leave with my own aha moments and little breakthroughs. This is such a gift for us as well.
It’s a wonderful environment to be in once a week for 30 to 45 minutes, where it’s about us as parents talking through helpful and important things, whether they’re things we’re struggling with or things we want to do better.
CHRIS:
And just talking about these things can be such a helpful experience. Sometimes it’s about getting something off your chest and out of your thoughts. Even though you can’t necessarily talk back to us, pretend like you are. Listen, respond, and work through this together with us.
So Erin, what’s our topic today?
WHEN TO STEP IN AND WHEN TO STEP BACK
ERIN:
We have a good one, as always.
Today we’re talking about when to step in and when to step back with our older teens and the young adult children in our lives.
Again, like Chris said, we’re in this with you. I’m right in this place, especially with my 19-year-old son right now.
We hear this a lot from parents: “I don’t know what my place is anymore. I don’t know when I’m supposed to step in and help, guide, give direction, or maybe even save them when I feel like they need it, and when I’m supposed to step back and let them fail sometimes, make mistakes, and experience consequences.”
It’s painful as a parent. It’s really hard to step back and let that happen, even when intellectually we know that sometimes it’s the best thing for them.
When we’re honest with ourselves, some of the greatest parts of who we are as adults were cultivated through struggle, challenges, heartbreak, and many of the things we want to protect our kids from. If we constantly step in, we can unintentionally take away opportunities for them to cultivate the strongest version of themselves.
That’s a hard truth to hear, and it’s hard to practice.
CHRIS:
It definitely is.
When our kids are younger, we’re involved in almost every aspect of their lives. Every decision, every choice, every conversation. They’re there, they’re listening, and they’re paying attention. They need us.
Then something changes as they become teenagers, older teenagers, and young adults. They begin becoming autonomous. They want to build a life for themselves.
Our relationship and our conversations with our children have to evolve with that, and that can be hard for us as parents.
ERIN:
It really comes through in the questions we ask ourselves: Do I remind them again, or let them forget and deal with the consequences? Do I push, or back off? Do I help them through this struggle, or let them face the challenge on their own?
We can fall asleep with these questions and wake up with them. They’re with us all the time.
It does get easier as we practice. But when we step in consistently and too often, we’re not doing ourselves any favors either, because we’re not learning what we need to learn as parents, which sometimes is how to step back.
The truth is, it starts with us.
START WITH YOURSELF
ERIN:
When we feel that urgency to step in, help, save, hover, or give them the answer, it’s often coming from fear, urgency, frustration, or expectations.
For me, I can be very honest about that. It can come from fear. It can come from expectations and standards. It can come from frustration and that feeling of, “Just forget it. Let me step in and take care of this because it’s not getting done.”
CHRIS:
It’s not easy because we were such a big part of their lives, and now we’re not as involved in every part of their lives. They’re trying to figure things out, and we have to learn how to watch some of that from a different perspective.
Our role has to evolve.
If we’re still trying to communicate with and treat them like they’re much younger, that’s often where fear, anxiety, and the need for control can show up. We’re not fully seeing them as a young adult who is in a phase of life where they need to figure things out for themselves.
And we were there once too. We were young adults. We didn’t yet know exactly who we were. We were trying to understand ourselves, life, relationships, and what we wanted.
In order to figure those things out, there are going to be stumbles, mistakes, and failures along the way. That’s part of making adjustments, solving problems, and gaining clarity.
FINDING THE MIDDLE GROUND
ERIN:
We often see two extremes when we talk to parents.
On one side is the parent who is too involved, stepping in constantly, hovering, and taking care of everything for their young adult.
On the other side is complete disengagement. Sometimes parents bury their heads in the sand, especially if their child is away at college. They don’t know what to do, their child doesn’t necessarily want them involved, and the whole situation feels painful and overwhelming.
This isn’t about judging parents. We understand it because we’re here with you.
What we’re talking about today is the middle space.
That middle space is where you can become more present and sometimes simply hold space. It doesn’t mean you always have to do something. It means letting them know you’re there without criticizing, judging, lecturing, or immediately trying to fix the situation.
Sometimes they simply need to know you’re there.
I can sense this with my son sometimes. There’s an energy between us where he knows he can count on me. I don’t necessarily have to tell him what I think his next step should be.
We can become more curious instead. Ask what’s happening in their world. Ask how they’re handling things. Ask how they would like us to support them. Ask whether there’s something we can do or whether they need space.
And then there’s trust. Let them know you trust them and believe in their capabilities.
When we show up in this middle space, and we’re present, we’re curious, we show them that we trust them, and we are intentional about how we show up, what we’re doing for them is teaching them that they’re capable.
We’re letting them know that we believe in them. We have faith in them. We know they’re capable and resilient, and even if they fall down, they can get back up and find their way back to us and to the space we’re holding for them.
RESPONDING INSTEAD OF REACTING
CHRIS:
It all comes down to this.
In these moments, we can have this powerful need to fix, control, tell them what to do, solve the problem, or help them make the choice. That force may never fully go away. The noise and self-talk may always be there to some degree.
But it can knock us off our game, and it can knock our kids off theirs.
For both of us to be at our best, we have to learn how to ground ourselves in the moment, become more present, and lean into trust and intuition.
Often, when we can quiet the competing forces, we know what the right thing is to do. We can become more curious about the situation and show up as a stronger version of ourselves, a version that helps our child see a way forward without doing it for them.
We’re also modeling how to show up in difficult moments.
Our kids learn from how we respond instead of react, how we learn from our mistakes, how vulnerable we are about those mistakes, and how we make adjustments and course-correct.
When we show them that process, we put our young adults in a better position to take ownership of their own lives and make their own choices.
They won’t always make the right choice. None of us do.
The process is: make a choice, learn from it, make an adjustment, and try again. We do that over and over. That’s how we learn, grow, and get better.
TEACHING SELF-REFLECTION AND OWNERSHIP
ERIN:
That brings to mind a couple of tools we teach inside our young adult coaching program.
One is learning how to give yourself feedback.
We teach young adults how to walk away from a test, job interview, conversation with their parents, or almost any experience and check in with themselves.
How did that go for me?
If it went well, what made it go well? Why did I succeed?
If it didn’t go well, why? What can I do differently next time?
That way, even something that feels like failure becomes an opportunity to learn and grow.
Another ritual we teach is evening self-reflection. As you’re winding down at night, think about your day:
What went well today?
What can I celebrate?
What was challenging, and why?
What did I learn today?
Learning how to reflect on your experiences can be a game changer for young adults.
CHRIS:
Sports are an easy analogy.
A big part of sports is practicing every day. You learn skills, try new things, push yourself, and challenge yourself. But you’re also learning how to improve by paying attention to your mistakes.
Part of helping our young adults take ownership is helping them become more intentional about the choices they make.
Self-reflection isn’t only about giving yourself feedback. It’s also about asking: What’s important to me? Who am I? What choices do I want to try to make tomorrow?
Notice the word “try.”
Nobody is going to be perfect. That’s not what we’re asking our kids, or ourselves, to do. We’re trying to become more intentional and practice giving ourselves consistent feedback.
Our kids can do this. We can do it as parents. We can even do it together as a family.
WHEN PARENTS SHOULD STEP IN
ERIN:
So when do we step in?
There absolutely is a time to step in, no matter how old your kids are. My mom still steps in every now and then.
She has gotten better at asking permission first. She might say, “I noticed something while you were here with the kids. Would you like some feedback?”
I appreciate that.
That’s something we can practice with our own young adults: “Is it okay if I give you some feedback? I’m noticing something.”
If there’s a safety issue, obviously it’s appropriate to step in.
It can also be appropriate when they clearly need support but are afraid to ask or don’t know what to do. There are ways to step in that aren’t intrusive or overstepping, and much of that comes back to curiosity and asking questions.
Before an important conversation, get clear yourself.
Why is this conversation important to me?
What do I want to get out of this conversation?
What questions do I want to ask?
If there’s a skill you have that could genuinely help them, teach it. If they need help creating more structure because they’re wobbling or falling off track, support them in learning that structure.
And share vulnerably.
Tell them a story from your own life. Help them understand what you went through as a young adult, or even what you struggle with now.
Not because your story should dictate their choice, but because it can help them see they’re not alone. You’re not perfect either. You make mistakes. You’re on their side. You have their back.
That can be a wonderful way to step in.
BE A RESOURCE, NOT THE ANSWER
CHRIS:
Something Erin and I both embrace is the idea that whether you’re young or old, when you have goals and challenges, it helps to have people on your team and in your corner.
Different people can be resources in different ways. They can help you learn skills, offer experience, or provide perspective.
As parents, being vulnerable and sharing what we went through as young adults can give our kids useful information without controlling, fixing, or making the choice for them.
We talk a lot about environment and creating a culture within the family that makes room for connection, conversation, learning, and growth, individually and together.
ERIN:
Exactly. We can coach our kids along without trying to control them.
At the heart of this is learning how to listen more, ask better questions, and hold space.
Here are a few simple questions you can use:
“What do you think?”
“What do you think should happen here?”
“How would you handle this situation?”
“What’s getting in the way?”
“What’s your plan?”
“What is your next step?”
“What would be helpful from me?”
“How can I support you?”
“What do you need from me?”
“What did you learn from this situation?”
Then give them space to answer.
Some of these aren’t questions they need to answer immediately. You can give them time to think and regroup later.
That’s another way to become more of a coach in their life without overstepping.
CHRIS:
Even the feel of those questions is different from barging into a room, barking orders, making accusations, or telling them exactly what they should do.
Those questions feel like love, support, and interest.
You’re interested in their life. You want to work with them. And you’re giving them space to become curious themselves and begin finding solutions to their own problems.
That’s what young adults want. They don’t want to be told what to do, but they also don’t have all the answers yet.
As parents, we can play a new role.
We’re no longer managing every part of their day-to-day life. Instead, we can become a coach, mentor, resource, and loving parent who helps them move toward where they want to go.
The key is creating the energy, space, and environment that allow that relationship to develop.
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO STEP IN
ERIN:
There also comes a time when, no matter how close we are with our kids or how much space we give them, we recognize that we aren’t meant to do this alone.
They may only want to hear so much from us.
Young adults need mentorship from other people too.
Some of the healthiest parent-young adult relationships we see involve parents who can recognize, “I’m going to hand some of this over. I’m going to take a break from trying to be the coach in their life.”
That can be healthy for both sides. It gives the parent some breathing room, and it gives the young adult an opportunity to learn tools and strategies from somebody else.
When you’re sitting at home worrying because they aren’t talking to you and you don’t know what’s going on, knowing they have a trusted person they can talk to can be incredibly reassuring.
My son made his own decision about a year ago to start therapy. I had tried to talk things through with him when he was an older teenager, but he eventually made that choice himself.
I feel relieved knowing he has somebody to talk to, someone he can process things with instead of holding everything inside.
That’s also why Chris and I are so passionate about our work.
If you have a teen or young adult who could benefit from another kind of mentorship in their life, or you know you’ve done as much as you can for now, reach out.
Late adolescence and the early twenties can be an important period of developing autonomy and independence. Having other trusted people to talk to and learn from can matter tremendously.
We’re here for parents and families. We love having these conversations, learning about you and your young adult, and exploring how we might help.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS EVOLVING
CHRIS:
Remember: they’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. The family is going to be okay.
Families go through challenging periods when parents and young adults don’t feel as connected as they once did. That can be part of the process of figuring things out.
Young adults are discovering who they are, what they want to do with their lives, and how they see their relationships, including their relationship with their parents.
Over time, that relationship can evolve.
Parents can still be an incredible resource, with experience, wisdom, love, and support that help young adults continue becoming the people they want to be.
Coaching and mentorship can help facilitate that process by creating an environment where young adults learn more about themselves, develop skills, take greater ownership, and continue evolving their relationships with parents, family, and friends.
ONE THING TO PRACTICE THIS WEEK
ERIN:
Parents, remember: this is about progress, never perfection.
If you’re listening and thinking, “They sound like they have it all figured out, and I feel behind,” trust us, we don’t.
We make mistakes too.
This is about trying to get a little better every day and learning to catch ourselves.
So here’s one thing you can practice this week.
When you find yourself about to give advice or step in, pause and ask yourself:
“Do they really need my help right now, or do they need an opportunity to take more ownership of what’s happening?”
Practice the pause.
Check in with yourself. Ask whether you’re about to step in because you’re scared, anxious, frustrated, or carrying an expectation, or because you genuinely recognize that your child needs your support and love.
That’s what we can do: practice and get a little better every day.
CLOSING
CHRIS:
That’s right.
Thank you so much for being here today and having this conversation with us. Erin, thank you for being who you are.
ERIN:
Thanks, babe.
CHRIS:
You’re welcome. We hope you all have a great week, and we’ll see you in the next episode. Take care.
ERIN:
Love you guys. Have a great week.
CHRIS:
Bye-bye.
OUTRO
We are so thankful for you and your beautiful family, and we hope you found something inside today’s episode that brought you hope, inspiration, and, most importantly, a path forward.
If you’re interested in evolving your relationship, giving your kids the gift of personal growth and development, or getting additional support for your family, schedule a discovery call with Extraordinary Purpose.
Our mission is to help as many families as possible find their purpose. And that starts with you.
See you in the next episode.
ABOUT EXTRAORDINARY PURPOSE
Extraordinary Purpose provides life, mindset, and direction coaching for teens and young adults, along with support for parents navigating the challenges of raising older teens and young adults.
Episode topics: parenting teens, parenting young adults, teen life coaching, young adult life coaching, confidence, motivation, independence, ownership, resilience, communication, personal growth, purpose, direction, habits, and family relationships.
