EXTRAORDINARY PURPOSE: PARENTING TEENS & YOUNG ADULTS
Episode: How to Set Boundaries With Teens & Young Adults Without Guilt or Constant Conflict
Hosts: Erin and Chris | Extraordinary Purpose
Website: https://myextraordinarypurpose.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erinandchris/
EPISODE OVERVIEW
----------------
How can parents set healthy boundaries with teens and young adults without giving in to guilt or creating constant arguments? Erin and Chris discuss values-based boundaries, family agreements, financial expectations, family check-ins, letting go of control, following through calmly, and building a connected family culture. The conversation includes personal parenting experiences and one practical exercise parents can try this week.
ABOUT THIS TRANSCRIPT
---------------------
This is an edited-for-readability transcript of the recorded conversation, not a rewritten article. Speech has been lightly cleaned for navigation and readability. Conversational wording, examples, and viewpoints are retained. Headings and the overview are editorial additions. No timestamps or speaker identifications have been invented.
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
-----------------------
Something that we coach on a lot, we've talked about this a lot on this podcast, is when you follow through and you keep your word to yourself and your commitments to yourself, and also obviously that applies to when you have boundaries with your kids and you have family expectations and agreements that you follow through with, that's what builds confidence, people,
that's what makes us feel good. That's what gives us that, that warm, fuzzy, peaceful, like energized feeling that we're all after. It's just when we follow through, and we're not gonna do it all the time. That's just part of the human
Welcome to the extraordinary purpose podcast, where we explore some of the truly difficult questions and challenges that parents and their families face every day. Whether it's the sometimes painful process of parenting teens and young adults. Navigating relationships with your partner and children, or you discovering your purpose in relationship with yourself, we will bring heartfelt and vulnerable conversations to the table to support and empower you.
Our mission is to help you create a lifestyle full of love, passion, adventure, and influence. Here we go
Erin,
you are looking incredible today. You ready to do this?
Go on.
Yeah. I will.
WELCOME AND WHY THIS CONVERSATION MATTERS
-----------------------------------------
Welcome everybody to the Extraordinary Purpose podcast. As you guessed it, I'm Chris, and, you know, we get the privilege of being here with the intuitive and empowering Erin Vertes. What's up, sweetheart?
Wow, intuitive. I like that
Well, we just mentioned the word intuition.
I'm like, you know what, Erin? That's one of your values,
Thank you, babe
I love it. And
today?
It is good to be with you. We're happy. We're,, Erin and I are back from a couple days away.
Yeah. We went to the Smoky Mountains. Woo-hoo!
Most importantly, we got away for a couple of days,
which,, hopefully all of you listening at some point get a chance to get away, even if it's just for a day. just for a few hours sometimes. I know you feel that way too sometimes.
we had an amazing time. I think my favorite part of it, babe, was just all the laughs we had., We did some incredible hikes, uh, that we had never done before. That was quite the adventure
It was so much fun. And yeah, we laughed. We laughed so much. We laughed just like little kids. It was really, really good. We didn't stress about anything. We just had great conversations, good food, went in the hot tub a lot at our cabin, and then yeah, just really, really had fun laughing. So it was really good.
I, I truly came home feeling renewed and energized and, ready to take on a new week, which is awesome
Yeah. No, I'm ready too, and I think that's the purpose of taking breaks, folks, is that... Did I just say
You just said folks. You've never said folks. See what happens when we go to the Smoky Mountains?
, No, this is an opportunity now for us to come back strong to help all of us,, continue to become more empowered, back to that empowered word.
And,, I think we wanted to come out of the gate strong, right, Erin?
Always
really just thought about the conversations that we have with you parents literally every single day., And usually parents are reaching out to us to talk about their kids, talk about how they don't have direction or they're not motivated, but the real pain that's right underneath that, Erin, is the arguments.
It's
It's the distance. It's the, just the, the fear of not knowing what's really going on with their children.
below the surface
Yeah, and something that Chris and I notice with ourselves, first and foremost, always, we are always looking to ourselves first and our parenting and our relationship and our life together,, to come up with some of these topics that we bring you every week. But also, obviously, from, yes, like Chris said, all the parents we talk to, it's something that we see over and over again in ourselves and other parents and family and friends and all the people around us,, because we're observers, is that so many of these arguments and the disconnection and the miscommunication and the exhaustion and the negotiating and all that frustration,,, it's us, it's, it's us parents not knowing how to create proper boundaries and knowing how to have expectations in place and agreements with our kids and our family, and we could avoid so much of this disconnection and frustration and arguing if we knew better how to do that and knew better how to stand strong and follow through with some of those things.
WHY BOUNDARIES CAN STRENGTHEN CONNECTION
----------------------------------------
And that's our topic today is, how do we create boundaries with our teens and our young adults without feeling guilty?
, I don't actually want to say without feeling guilty because we just have guilt as parents. The guilt might be there, but without giving into the guilt, I think, is a better way to frame that.
Yeah, and remember why we're all here. We're here to feel better. I mean, that's the big... If you wanna ask Erin and I, like, why do we have these conversations with you every single week, is we want us all to feel better as parents, as individuals. We want your families to come together and connect more and have more of those experiences, maybe go on a camping trip like Erin and I just went on. And I think a lot of people have this fear of putting boundaries in place, like that's gonna create more of a problem. But Erin and I are here to say that by putting boundaries in place and family agreements in place, actually brings you together. It helps you align. It helps to alleviate, you're right, Erin, not get rid of some of that guilt and all the stuff that we carry as parents, but it definitely minimizes it. And most importantly, Erin, is I think it helps us become more confident.
really why we're all here is because each of us has that leader inside of us, That version of us as a parent and as an individual
confident and motivated and knows what's right,, and follows through on what's right
Well, I was just gonna say, you know, where does that confidence come from? Something that we coach on a lot, we've talked about this a lot on this podcast, is when you follow through and you keep your word to yourself and your commitments to yourself, and also obviously that applies to when you have boundaries with your kids and you have family expectations and agreements that you follow through with, that's what builds confidence, people,
that's what makes us feel good. That's what gives us that, that warm, fuzzy, peaceful, like energized feeling that we're all after. It's just when we follow through, and we're not gonna do it all the time. That's just part of the human experience, it's not gonna happen all the time. But when we do and we practice and we build momentum, we get better all the time.
We feel better as parents. We feel more empowered and confident. We are modeling something amazing for our kids, and Chris is right. Typically, you know, we have just better communication with them. When there are expectations on both sides of the fence and everybody's aware of them and understands what's going on, everybody feels better, and there's so much less frustration
Yeah, I think some of the words that come to mind, Erin, when, when I think about boundaries and agreements is respect.
I think it's understanding. You may not like what we're doing or what this decision is, but you understand it because we've already agreed to it. It's been a conversation and agreement that we've already made together as a family.
think those two words are so important to parents because if you have your child's respect and you have their understanding, that alone helps with the connection piece of it
Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, a big reason why we avoid creating, and I know this is-- I just speak for myself. You know, one of the reasons I avoid creating boundaries, and I have a hard time sticking with them, and, creating those expectations is we are all after the, the, the short-term, feel-good dopamine hits,
that's just the culture we live in. It's how we've learned to wire our brains. So when we say yes to something, everyone feels good in the moment. You know, our kids are happy because we gave in to them. We might feel good for a minute, and then we're like, "Oh, shit, what did I do? Why did I agree to that? Why did I break that?"
a fight
Yeah, exactly.
and
so, you know, we will...
with that
Right, 'cause we'll do more to avoid pain, that's just how we are wired as human beings. So we're not thinking enough about the long term, right? Future-focusing and recognizing that this is better for my relationship with this person, this child of mine later on.
This is,, what I'm modeling for them now might feel yucky to me right now. They're mad at me. They blew up. They slammed their door, and I hate the way this feels, or my young adult isn't talking to me now because they didn't like a boundary I put in place, or I said something that they didn't want me to say.
But in the long run, I promise you, I'm just starting to really experience this myself, and I see it all the time with the parents we coach.
on the other side of that long term is, is beautiful
It really is because this is how we really help our kids.
we help our family by implementing some of these boundaries and a family agreement,, it is going to create a culture, which Erin and I have talked about a lot,, we talk a lot about as parent coaches,, just how important that culture is towards forming who our kids become.
And that is so important to us as parents. Now, we can't control,, and we can't fix, but we can definitely influence. And ironically, these boundaries and agreements are the best ways for us parents to influence our kids so that they are k- kind of finding their way forward while navigating some of these different choices
Yeah, so, you know, the first step in this process, if you are a parent who's listening and you're like, "You know, I don't do this. I've never actually thought much about creating boundaries and expectations in this way," or if you have and it's messy and it's complicated and you're looking for a way to do it in a way that feels more authentic to you, the first thing you wanna do is get grounded in the kind of parent you wanna be,
START WITH YOUR VALUES AND EMPOWERED IDENTITY
---------------------------------------------
you have to get grounded in who you are, and, you know, Chris and I always start here with parents, what do you value? What's important to you? What's meaningful to you for you to pass on to your kids? What values do you wanna carry into your family? And those values and that meaning is what guides those expectations.
It's what should guide those agreements, and what's important to you, and what you expect of your kids and your family and the culture that you are,, bringing into your home.
I'm gonna go back to, you know, Erin and I took those couple of days away in the Smoky Mountains. You know, the biggest,, benefit for us was just the feeling of calm, being out of the chaos, the day-to-day, the conversations, you know, different arguments and things like that, and just the chaos. And that calm is what we're talking about when it comes to connecting with your values, your future, you know, who you wanna become and who you want your family to become.
a really good idea to go find an environment where you can find that peace and find that calm and connect with yourself, and that version of yourself, which we call your empowered identity as a parent. you're at your absolute best and you know who you are, you know what you believe in, you know what your values are, you know w- what you want for yourself, not just for your family, but for yourself,, and then beginning to see that version of yourself coming to life. And when you're calm, you can see that person, you can connect with that person.
Erin, that's kinda what you're talking about, is getting into a space where you can connect with these things, the most important things that there are, so that you can begin to notice also where are the points where we're getting stuck as a family? Where are we getting stuck with our kids?
draining my energy? If you really stop and you get calm and you start noticing, there are gonna be specific points, Erin, that are draining your energy and causing you stress and anxiety, flaring up probably every single day, or at least on a weekly basis. And that's where we're gonna start
Yeah, and if you're really honest with yourself, if you take the time to slow down and think about this for a minute, if you can just think about the last week, something that maybe flared up at home, something that was triggering. Maybe you got in an argument with one of your kids, your young adult, something happened between your kids, something triggered you, made you upset, frustrated, angry, sad.
Most likely, whatever was going on was out of alignment with something that's really valuable to you and important. You know, when we have a family culture or situations or circumstances or experiences that are coming up over and over again that are completely out of alignment with what's really important to us, what we value, we're not gonna feel good about it, and we're gonna wanna fix something or change something.
That's when we get frustrated, and we have a lot of high emotions. And that is why it's so important to follow through even when it's uncomfortable, even when you don't want to, even when you're second-guessing yourself. And I just thought of a little story I can share really quickly to kind of paint this picture.
A REAL FAMILY STORY: EXPRESSING EXPECTATIONS WITH LOVE
------------------------------------------------------
You know, obviously, family, I value family. I value being close-knit, and, you know, making sure that my kids, a big value I have is making sure that my kids support each other now that they've learned that all through their younger years and now as teenagers and young adults, that they know how to support each other and be there for each other because I want them to have as best as I can, you know, facilitate this for them to have a healthy relationship when they become adults.
So my daughter plays volleyball., My son's 19 now. He's got a full life. His-- He's going away to college soon. His girlfriend's at college. He works a lot. And so I wanted him to come to,, a volleyball tournament last weekend 'cause he was home, and he didn't have work that day. And so he came,, and he didn't, he doesn't give me a hard time about it, but River has a hard time,, being very present and just kind of like being somewhere without his mind already being on the next thing.
I guess that's a lot of young adults. So he came, and he stayed for, you know, 30 minutes max., He was late to the game. The game ended, and she had two or three more games that day, and he left., He thought he had to work, but still work was hours out. And so he left, and I was frustrated. I was actually furious.
I felt sorry for my daughter. Her big brother coming to her games means everything to her. I could see her face drop when he left so quickly, and I was really angry, and so I had to sit with myself, and I went through a whole lot of inner dialogue, so you're probably, can r- you'll relate to this.
You know, I was like, "Oh, he's 19. I shouldn't be telling him what to do. If he doesn't wanna be here, that's up to him." And but the bigger part of me,, when I slowed down and really paid attention to what I was thinking and feeling was like it was like my, my higher self was like, "No, this isn't okay, and it's okay to say something.
It's okay to have a boundary with yourself around this." And so I at first sent him a little bit of a passive aggressive text admittedly and- Nice... and, you know, then I kind of realized that wasn't the route I wanted to go, so I left him a voice text. I'm big on voice texting 'cause I feel like it, you really can get through what you're trying to say better.
So I left him a voice text and just said, you know, "I, I love you, and I appreciate you coming today, but I really think that,, you could have stuck around a little bit longer to support your sister. It means everything to her when you come to these games, and you're hardly ever able to be here." And I, again, I said, "I love you, and,, I'll talk to you soon."
And I just, you know, left that with him. I left, I let him deal with what was his, and I dealt with what was mine, and that's a big distinction to make when we're doing this. Long story short, he called me about 20 minutes later. He said that he got called off work. He's a server and a bartender, and they didn't need him that night.
And he said, "I'm gonna come back. I'm gonna take a shower, and I'll be back for the, the next two games." And he came, and I thought he was gonna be angry and be passive aggressive to me or give me a little bit of the silent treatment if he didn't like what I said, but he didn't. And for me, that, that reference was huge
and I really believe it was my delivery, and it was me recognizing that I'm allowed to feel how I wanna feel and express what I want to express, and what he does with that is completely up to him.
I love that, babe. And I think that's such a powerful, takeaway of following through on boundaries, it's not only a good feeling for you because you're following that higher power and that intuition, and I think that's something that, as parents, and I know I'm in the same shoes with, with our kids, it's, you know, sometimes you know what's best for your kids. You trust that feeling, and it really is a feeling. It's not just, you know, like, "Oh, you know, I wonder if that's the right thing to do." No, you know it in your bones, that's why it hurts so much and why it bothers you so much during and after.
but just following through is great for you, but then great for the young adult because I think it gives them space to reflect.
To necessarily go your way all the time, but just space to reflect and process and understand and that process is different for each young adult, and it might take longer for certain young adults, and it's awesome that River processed it, in a really positive way. I think he really came around and noticed that, you know what, when I...
When he slows down, by the way,
he does wanna be there for his sister.
so you... You're right. The fact that he's always on the move, sometimes we have to create boundaries that help them slow
Yes, that's right
And that might alone be, like, the biggest boundary that you could ever implement as a parent is how do you get them off devices and how do you help them slow down from time to time?
Yeah, you know, so when we're talking about young adults, like those are some boundaries you have in place is around family time and expectations that just because you're away at college or you work full-time or you're busy we can't force our young adults to do anything. But,, if you still have a chance, if you are still raising, you know, teens or older teens and they're still at home sometimes, you get this started now.
You start setting these agreements and these expectations ahead of time. When they are off on their own, they know, okay, for mom or dad or whatever, it's just these are expectations my mom has always had, that family's important. Dinners, you know, having a dinner here and there as a family is important.
a family movie night is important. Me going to support my sister for the next few years in her volleyball tournaments is important. He knows these things because he's been raised this way, but it's never too late if you haven't raised your kids with some of these expectations and agreements,
you know, you get started now
FAMILY AGREEMENTS, SHARED RITUALS, AND CONNECTION
-------------------------------------------------
Yeah, it's a little bit of a reset, and there's so many different boundaries and agreements, and so that's why it's very unique to each parent and each family.
Erin mentioned some of the ones that are important to us., Connection is such a big thing,, for our family., Creating some of those shared spaces, the movie nights, you know, the walks, the hikes, things that we can do where we're kind of more inclined to be off of devices and we're just connecting with each other.
We're out in nature a lot of times. all of those things can be really good things. And the funny thing is, is that if you went and asked your kid will they go for a hike, their first answer is gonna be no.
Right. Except for William, of course.
for Will- uh, my son William,
says yes to every single thing that we ask him to do,
He is just...
terrible.
We, so yeah, so he does, and of course, I remind Chris that that's amazing, and, you know, obviously we have to help him learn boundaries around that it's okay to say no to things and know what you like and don't like. Yeah
That's a very, very good point.
it's kind of just helping our young adults learn how to navigate life and some of these different choices. And, you know, So I think that, Erin, what, what gets me thinking is back to us parents getting grounded and getting calm and getting into a space where we can really kind of identify what some of these different,, boundaries are, these issues are that keep flaring up, and things that are important that we're not doing, is I think you just make a list,
this all starts, is get it out of up here or out of in your heart, which is probably a really good place for a lot of this stuff to come from. It's stuff you know is just, "This is really important." And get it down so that together as a family, you can come together and collaborate
get their feedback too. But most importantly, follow through on some of these different beliefs, these values, these boundaries so that... it's never too late, Erin. I think now is the perfect time to reset. We're getting ready to go into a busy holiday season.
are gonna be more d- disconnected and chaotic than ever before.
great time to create some boundaries, some rituals, some agreements that help create some more connection, some better communication, some less stress, all of those things
Well, and the truth is, 'cause I, I have a feeling some parents might be thinking this, 'cause I am, is, you know, life is so fast-paced. Like, everything's-- people's schedules are changing, then it's the holidays, and there's volleyball, and sports, and there's not. And, you know, and they're developmentally changing so rapidly.
And so the truth is you are always gonna have to... I would even say once a month you're kind of like regrouping with yourself to see where you are as a family, and then there's the milestones, when they're going away to college, when they're, you know,, starting high school, when a new sport's starting, when there's holidays and things like that.
So we are always going to be,, regrouping on some of these boundaries and what they look like. But I would say,, Chris and I made a little list here for,, just to kind of help give you some ideas if you're not sure exactly, like, where a lot of this frustration's coming from and where to start some of these boundaries.
Like we said, for young adults, I think the top two that we hear from parents we talk to is family time or connection, feeling disconnected, how do I create more of a family culture even when my kids are getting older, and have expectations around what that looks like and what,, what we would-- kind of agreements that we would like to have in place.
FINANCIAL SUPPORT AND CLEAR EXPECTATIONS
----------------------------------------
And then finances, financial for young adults is a big one, and that's a big umbrella. There's a lot of things that fall under that. But something we've seen, and heard from parents is, "Well, I'm paying for everything. I'm paying for college, I'm paying for their rent, I'm helping them,, just l- their livelihood.
And they completely ignore my texts. They don't wanna come home for certain holidays. They, won't do this with us anymore. They don't want this." And it's just glaring to us, well, there was nothing set in place, there were no agreements or expectations or boundaries around,, if we're gonna pay for your life for the next four years, we have expectations in place.
These are some things and some agreements that we're gonna have in place, and we're gonna-- it's like a signed contract, and this is how we want things to go.
Yeah, in order to create change, in order to accomplish a result or a goal, maybe I'm speaking about us or maybe I'm speaking about a young adult in this case, there needs to be some motivation.
we sometimes can provide the framework for that motivation by putting an agreement or a boundary in place that, know, kind of helps them understand that, hey, we are going to finance this, or we're gonna help you or support you in some way, shape, or form, but that does not come free of charge.
is an expectation on the other side of the fence that you have to rise to or there will be consequences. And so this is the thing about change, is sometimes there has to be something at risk in order to really motivate someone to take action,
So parents, let that sink in. Sometimes there has to be risk, there has to be a consequence in order for someone to really get out of bed and start doing that thing that they've been putting off for whatever reason.
Probably 'cause they're lazy or unmotivated, but now this agreement puts some of the conditions in place to change that a little bit
Yeah, because the truth is, it is still our job to be guiding them in these early young adult years, and helping them recognize, wow, this is what happens out in the real world.
if I am hired for a position, and I don't meet the expectations of that company or my boss or employer, whatever it is,, they start learning that a little bit getting jobs as teenagers, and then,, as they get to college, it's our job to continue helping them understand that, right, there's consequences.
There is risk, and these are the things that are expected of me. So it's healthy for them, clearly., It is so much healthier for your relationship and your connection with them when they know upfront these are the expectations. And so something that we coach on, and that, I plan to start doing with my son when he goes away, and we do now,, I'd say River and I do this about once a month, is connecting,, sitting down together and hashing it out.
How are you doing? How are you feeling? How are things going?, This is coming up. These are some boundaries I wanna set. These are some expectations I have in place. What do you think? And you... I get his input. You get their input. You also, it's like you're coming together as a team, and you're teaching them how to collaborate, how to negotiate together in a really healthy, safe environment, and they're heard and seen, and so they have that autonomy and that independence, and that makes them feel good, and you feel heard and seen as a parent, which we want more than anything, to know that our young adults can hear us, that they're seeing us, that they understand what, we want from them as well.
And then there's just this beautiful agreement and collaboration.
, And there's, there's no better feeling in the world all of that to, to be in place, and that's what we're all striving for. And,, it's one thing to create the agreement, and then Erin, I think you mentioned a little while ago about how chaotic our days get and life gets and people get busy, and
that happens in between this.
And so the, the check-ins,
can happen weekly, they can happen monthly like Erin talked about., It could even be a small little check-in on the drive to school each morning it's just a way for the both of you to connect and open up and be vulnerable and talk about what's working, what's not working, what your plan is. It gets you thinking about some of those really important things, not just in terms of the, the boundaries and the agreement, but just life in general. But that way both of you feel connected, and it feels a little bit more like a partnership or a collaboration
Yeah, I mean,,
HAVE IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS WHEN EVERYONE IS CALM
--------------------------------------------------
I don't wanna state the obvious, but maybe this isn't obvious to everyone, and I know we as parents get triggered in these moments sometimes, and we react with our own emotions. We don't wanna do this in the heat of a moment, or when you're angry, or when they broke a boundary and you're furious,
you don't wanna be throwing out boundaries and throwing out expectations in those moments, although it's easy to do that and you want to. Like Chris just said, you know, you, you let those moments pass when something's been broken, an agreement's been broken, they're not following through with boundaries, whether it's your young adult or your teens.
You stay calm. You anchor into your empowered identity, right? You take yourself for a walk. You find that self-responsibility as a parent, and you revisit it on the way to school if it's a teen that you're driving to school. You wait until you can,,, create like a Zoom meeting with your kiddo if they're at college, where it's a, you know, you've both overcome it and you are in a better emotional state, and you talk it through.
You don't wanna be creating these boundaries and expectations when you're angry.
Erin, something that,, I have to remind myself of all the time, we talk to parents about this all the time, is that this is not about being perfect. these agreements are not going to be 100%, they're not always going to stick, especially in the beginning. This is literally a process,
And the goal of the process, is to continue to adjust, make improvements, and keep getting a little bit better, trying new things, new ways of c- connecting, new ways of communicating,, and most importantly, Erin, as you said, really getting good at staying calm and letting go, especially in the moment.
purpose here is not just to help everybody, but it's also to help the parent. It's to help us navigate those moments where we get angry and we get upset and that derails the rest of the day or the rest of the week and disconnects us from our family and our kids. We're trying to minimize that as much as possible.
the best thing that you can do in those moments is lean into your empowered identity, lean into those values of you wanting to become or be this calm, confident, assured leader of the house. How would they handle that situation? What would they say? What would they do? Would they walk away in that moment and come back to it perhaps the following day when everybody's cooled down a little bit?
Yeah, I love that. And, you know, something else to keep in mind is that just like things are continuously changing, there's always room, wiggle room, because there's always certain circumstances and situations, like maybe you have something, you know, in place with your teen around friends and plans.
You know, I'm doing this with my daughter all the time. I, I'm trying to find my boundaries with her. She's a freshman in high school. She goes to school in another town over, and she likes to be social, and she likes to have plans all the time. So when one plan doesn't work, she's jumping onto the next thing and the next friend group, and I'm, I'm all over the place, and Chris and I are headspin sometimes.
so I'm in the process right now of trying to figure out what my boundaries are with her, what my expectations are, coming to agreements with her. It's not easy. She doesn't like to hear no, obviously. She doesn't like, she gets very angry when I say no to f- to plans. And then also knowing that, you know, sometimes thing...
We might have an evening where it's okay, and we have more room than we would have the week before, and it's,, I can accommodate something that I wouldn't normally want to accommodate. And so it's knowing how to have that communication, how do you wanna show up in those moments? It's, it's all in your delivery, you know, knowing how to say, "Hey, you know, I know we have this agreement.
Normally, this would be a no, this wouldn't work for our family. But because,, whatever, Chris is out of town tonight, and I'm on my own, and I have some extra time, I don't mind driving you out to so-and-so's house. But just remember, we get back on track next week. This is our agreement. These are our typical expectations."
So there's always wiggle room if we need to change things up with our kids.
I love that. And I think that you said it's all in delivery. It's also all in the energy,
As soon as your kids, and everybody knows what I'm talking about, as soon as they pick up on your weakness, that you're wavering, that you're feeling guilty,
We see this firsthand every day around here.
of opportunity just getting wider and
full of...
They're gonna push, they're gonna poke, they're gonna prod, they're gonna bust their way through that door,
break you down. It's gonna break you down.
FOLLOW THROUGH, FLEXIBILITY, AND PARENT SELF-CARE
-------------------------------------------------
And so a big part of this is, yes, navigating those situations, leaning into your empowered identity. And then many, many times with agreements and boundaries, it's just having that confidence to follow through,
to not waver, to stand your ground, and then just walk away. And be okay with whatever comes next. Because remember, there is a processing period. After you follow through and you instill that, that boundary, there will be consequences on the other side of the fence. They're not gonna like it.
They're gonna be angry, especially at first.
it. They're gonna try again. And this is the moment of opportunity to really create some, some really lasting change for your family culture
Yeah, so parents have some strategies in place. You know, have some things in place. Do you go to the gym for a half hour to get out of the house? You just get out for a walk, take your dog for a walk. Do you have a cup of tea? Do you go have a glass of wine with a girlfriend? Like, whatever it is, you call somebody, maybe you call your mom or you call your partner, or you guys go have a conversation somewhere.
But have some strategies in place to take care of yourself too, because if you don't have your own, you know, healthy distraction, it's gonna be easy for you to get broken down, as Chris said. So, you know, when you say no to something, when you follow through with a boundary, when you're stepping into that empowered identity and you know you're doing the right thing following through with these expectations and agreements, take care of yourself in that aftermath, 'cause there is an aftermath.
There always is an aftermath.
always
very, terrifying.
one.
, So Erin, so what's our simple assignment for the week as parents?
THIS WEEK'S PRACTICAL PARENTING EXERCISE
----------------------------------------
Yeah, so this week, parents, think of one challenge that's been recurring with your family, with, you know, your young adult or your teen,, whether they're at home or not. Just think of something that keeps coming up for you over and over again. There's a, a conflict, a frustration, whatever that is. And for you first, get clear on why that's important to you.
Really just slow down, check in with yourself, figure out where that comes from. Is that a value of yours? Is it something you were raised with? Is this... You know, just get clear on what that is for you. And then create an agreement. You know, you first come up with your own expectations, agreement, boundary around what this is, what feels fair to you, what, what you would like to see change or happen.
And then check in with them. Schedule a time to check in with your teen or young adult, whether that's going for a walk, taking them out to their favorite place to eat, or just sitting at the dining room table, whatever that is, and talk to them. You know, like an adult, just like you would talk to someone at work or your partner.
"This has been happening. It's a problem for me because of A, B, and C. This is what I'd like to see shift. This is what I have in mind. What are your thoughts? What do you think about this?" And give them some room to share what, how they feel, what they might like to see happen.
then, you know, you identify your responsibility in this, and you identify what is theirs to be responsible for.
, So now we go do this,
'Cause this could make the biggest difference for all of us parents.
We're gonna do it too. I already actually have a couple things in mind, so we are gonna do this along with you this week. I have, one for my son and one for my daughter that I have in mind right now., So parents, we can do this together. We have to lock arms, and we know firsthand how hard this can be,, to stand strong, to know what to say, you know, especially if some of this is new to you, to find the right vocabulary, and that's why remember what Chris said.
This is not about being perfect and saying all the right things, just this is getting started and building consistent momentum over a little bit of time. If it's messy for a while, let it be messy for a while. The fact that you are gonna start trying something new is going to just it's gonna be a game changer in how you show up for your kids and the confidence you feel.
COACHING SUPPORT AND CLOSING THOUGHTS
-------------------------------------
And we don't want any of us to feel like we're alone in this.
Mm-mm.
are here. That's why we're all here. It's why we come together on a weekly basis to have these great conversations. And I just wanna throw this out there again, that if you do need help, and we work with parents every single day creating family agreements and helping them step into their empowered identity and really get clear on what they want for themselves, their future, their family, bringing everybody together in the process, helping their young adults in the process. Never ever, ever hesitate to reach out. Erin and I offer a free discovery call. You'll talk to either Erin or myself, depending if you're a mom or a dad. We specialize in both. And so that conversation alone, I know it sounds very cliche, can really change the course of your life.
so we always encourage you.
It's free, no obligation, no nothing, except for a great conversation which can set you on a course,, towards all those goals that you have for yourself
I love that. All right, guys, have a beautiful week. We love you so much. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.
See you guys. Bye-bye
we are so thankful for you and your beautiful family and hope you found something inside today's episode that brought you hope inspiration, and most importantly, a path forward. If you're interested in evolving your relationship, giving your kids the most important gift of personal growth and development, or are a mom looking to reconnect with your confidence and become empowered in all areas of your life.
Then schedule a discovery call with us today. Our mission is to help as many families as possible, find their purpose. And that starts with you. See you in the next episode, my friends.
MORE FROM EXTRAORDINARY PURPOSE
-------------------------------
Explore parent coaching, teen coaching, young adult coaching, and free discovery call options:
https://myextraordinarypurpose.com
Connect with Erin and Chris:
https://www.instagram.com/erinandchris/
Transcript prepared for accessible reading and website discovery. This transcript reflects spoken audio and may contain minor transcription imperfections.
