How to Reconnect With Your Partner While Parenting Teens and Young Adults

By Erin Verdis & Chris Adang, founders of Extraordinary Purpose and parents of four teens and young adults

You can spend an entire week talking to your partner and still feel like you barely connected. You’ve discussed dinner, practice schedules, something happening at school, and whether your college student called back. You’ve made decisions, coordinated rides, and kept everyone moving. But somewhere between all those conversations, you realize you haven’t really asked how the person beside you is doing. And you’re not sure you’ve stopped long enough to ask yourself, either.

We had one of those weeks recently. Between volleyball games, a tournament, cross-country, a family visit, a trip to Michigan State, and running our business, there was a lot of, “Hey, babe, love you. What’s for dinner? Sorry, I’m going to be home late.” We still cared about each other just as much. We were simply moving so quickly that the conversations we love having kept getting pushed to later.

During the episode, Erin shared that coming home to Chris and talking about her day gives her something to look forward to when life feels full. Even the thought of sitting on the couch together or sharing dinner can help her through a long day. Those everyday moments mean a lot to us, and we wanted to give them more attention. So, for an episode of the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast, we decided to have one of those deeper conversations out loud. We each brought questions the other person hadn’t seen, covering purpose, parenting, identity, wellbeing, and our future. What followed reminded us why we teach something we call a heartfelt check-in: a chance to put down the logistics, get curious, and understand what’s happening underneath the everyday answers.

How do you reconnect with your partner when parenting takes over?

Make room for a conversation about who you each are, what you’re carrying, and what you want to create together. Ask one thoughtful question, listen without immediately fixing, and agree on one small way to support each other. A heartfelt check-in gives that conversation a place to begin.

When Parenting Takes Up Most of the Conversation

Parenting teens and young adults brings a different kind of responsibility. You may spend less time doing things directly for your child while carrying more questions about their choices, friendships, motivation, college experience, or future. Even when they’re away at school or living on their own, those questions can follow you into dinner, your evening walk, and the last conversation before bed. It’s understandable. You love them, and you want them to be okay.

When your child becomes the center of nearly every conversation, there can be very little room left for the two people having it. You might know your partner’s schedule better than you know what they’re looking forward to. And when a parenting challenge comes up, you may see their reaction without understanding the worry behind it. A check-in gives you room to talk about those concerns, discuss who is carrying which responsibilities, and consider how you want to respond to your child. You can begin making more intentional choices together while still allowing for differences in how you see the situation.

That’s especially meaningful as your children grow more independent. Your role is changing, and so is the life you’re building around it. We explored that opportunity in Parenting Teens and Young Adults: What Could Change for You in the Next 90 Days?. Your child’s next chapter can also be an invitation to think about your own.

Reconnection Starts With Curiosity About Who You’re Becoming

It’s easy to assume we already know our partner’s answers. We know their history, their habits, and the stories they’ve told a hundred times. But people keep growing. A dream may be becoming important again, or a familiar responsibility may be feeling heavier than they’ve let on. As Erin reminded us during the episode, staying curious means giving the person beside you a chance to tell you where they are today.

At Extraordinary Purpose, our work begins with identity: understanding your values, strengths, interests, and what matters to you. That matters for parents, too. When your identity becomes wrapped around being the person who handles everything, fixes everything, or keeps everyone happy, it can be difficult to recognize your own needs—let alone communicate them. A deeper conversation makes space to ask, “Who am I becoming in this chapter, and how do I want to show up for the people I love?”

A question to sit with:

Have we been talking mostly about what needs to get done—or making room for who we’re each becoming?

What Is a Heartfelt Check-In?

A heartfelt check-in is an intentional conversation where you slow down, ask meaningful questions, and listen with curiosity. The purpose is to help each person feel seen, heard, and better understood. In our coaching, we encourage people to find a quiet space, put away distractions, and bring a willingness to share honestly. You don’t need a special occasion or a perfectly planned date night. You need enough room to give each other your attention.

You can begin with something as simple as, “I feel like we’ve been managing a lot lately, and I miss talking with you. Could we take a little time to check in?” Choose one or two questions from the areas below rather than trying to get through everything. Let the answers lead somewhere. If your partner shares something difficult, try asking, “Would you like me to listen, help you think it through, or work on a next step with you?” That small question can help you understand what support would actually feel helpful.

Five Areas to Explore With Your Partner

1. Purpose: What Still Feels Meaningful to You?

During our conversation, Chris asked Erin about the early forest walks where we first imagined Extraordinary Purpose. Before there was a program or a website, there were conversations about the young people we wanted to help and the contribution we hoped to make. Remembering that brought us back to something we can lose sight of on a demanding day: why we chose this work in the first place. Your version might involve a career, creative project, community, or something you’ve wanted to explore for years.

Ask each other: “What feels meaningful to you right now, and are you getting enough room for it?” You don’t need to share the same work or interests to care deeply about each other’s answers. You may discover that your partner feels most like themselves while mentoring someone, making something, spending time outdoors, or pursuing an interest that has been sitting on the sidelines. Understanding that gives you a more personal way to support them.

2. Parenting: What Are You Carrying That I May Not See?

Erin asked Chris how he recognizes when wanting to help one of our kids becomes wanting to fix the situation. It was a very familiar question. When you see your child struggling, it’s easy for your mind to race ahead to everything that could go wrong. Chris talked about practicing a pause: noticing the worry, taking a breath, and separating what he can influence from what he cannot control. We teach this, and we’re still practicing it ourselves.

Try asking: “What has felt hardest for you as a parent lately, and what would support from me look like?” One of you may be carrying fear about your child’s future while the other is struggling with how much to step in. Understanding the concern underneath each response can create a more useful conversation about what your child needs. For a deeper look at that balance, read when to step in and when to step back with your teen or young adult.

3. Identity: What Part of Yourself Needs More Room?

When Chris asked what part of herself Erin wanted to make more room for, she talked about her creativity and writing her book. As the conversation unfolded, it became clear that finding time was only part of it. Making room also meant asking for support, allowing other people to handle things, and accepting that the house and everyone’s schedule wouldn’t always be exactly how she would arrange them. Saying that out loud gave us something real to work with together.

Chris shared something personal, too: even when he appears confident, motivated, and full of energy, there can still be a question underneath it all: “Am I enough?” He talked about learning to be more open and vulnerable, and how much it means to have someone who sees the best in him when he struggles to see it himself. That is the kind of understanding we can miss when every conversation stays at the level of schedules and responsibilities.

Ask: “What part of yourself have you been putting aside, and what would it look like to give it more room?” Listen for the person underneath the responsibilities. Maybe your partner misses being adventurous, creative, social, or physically active. Maybe you do. This is a central part of our life coaching for parents of teens and young adults: reconnecting with your own values and direction as you learn how to support your child in a changing relationship.

Your child is growing into their next chapter. You deserve to create yours, too.

4. Wellbeing: What Helps You Come Back to Yourself?

Erin shared how quiet time, meditation, journaling, and breathing help her feel more grounded. Chris talked about learning to recognize when pushing harder stops being helpful, and how movement and time in nature help him reconnect with himself. Those answers matter because “I need a break” can mean something very different for each person. One of you may need quiet. The other may need a walk, connection, or time to do something that feels personally meaningful.

Ask: “How do you notice you’re getting stretched too thin, and what helps you feel like yourself again?” Then get specific about what that means this week. Could one person handle dinner so the other can take a walk? Could you protect a little uninterrupted time for each other? A supportive ritual becomes easier to practice when the people sharing your life understand why it matters and help make room for it.

5. Future: What Do We Want to Move Toward Together?

One of our favorite parts of the conversation was imagining what’s ahead. Erin talked about her creative dreams. Chris talked about travel, experiences, our family, and the sense that we still have so much life to create together. We also remembered how much has already happened: building a relationship, a family, a business, and getting married. On heavy days, it’s surprisingly easy to overlook that progress and focus only on what hasn’t happened yet.

Ask: “As our kids become more independent, what do we want to move toward together?” You can think big, but give yourselves something close enough to act on, too. Plan an afternoon somewhere you love, revisit an interest, or choose a shared goal for the next few months. Let yourselves recognize how far you’ve come before moving immediately to the next thing. There is room for appreciation and possibility in the same conversation.

Your heartfelt check-in: three questions to come back to

What are you carrying right now?

What matters to you that needs more room?

What is one way I can support you this week?

Turn One Honest Answer Into One Small Action

A meaningful conversation can leave you feeling closer. Following through helps you show each other that what was shared mattered. Before you finish, ask, “What is one thing I can do this week to support what you’ve told me?” If your partner wants time for a creative project, decide when that time will happen and what needs to be covered. If you miss being together, put a walk or an evening on the calendar. Make the next step small enough that you can actually keep the commitment.

This reflects the same progression we teach young people: Discover who you are. Create your direction. Become who you want to be. You notice what matters, get clearer about what you want, and practice making choices that support it. Parents get to keep doing that work, too. And your family gets to see what it looks like when adults listen, ask for help, learn about themselves, and follow through on something meaningful.

Common Questions About Reconnecting During the Parenting Years

How do we reconnect when we barely have time together?

Start with one question during a short period when you can both give it your attention. A walk or a quiet moment after dinner can be enough to begin. Ask how your partner is really doing, listen to the answer, and choose a time to continue if the conversation needs more space.

What if we disagree about how to help our teen or young adult?

Begin by understanding what each person is worried about and what you both want for your child. Then discuss the specific situation, the support your child needs, and the responsibilities they can reasonably own. If the conversation becomes heated, agree on a time to return to it when you can listen more openly.

Can I use these questions if I’m parenting on my own?

Yes. You can explore them through journaling or with a trusted friend or coach. Reflecting on what you’re carrying, what matters to you, and what support you need can help you choose your next step. You deserve space to be heard and supported as an individual parent, too.

You Deserve Support in This Chapter, Too

If you’ve been carrying a lot for your teen or young adult, it makes sense that your own needs and relationships may have moved down the list. You don’t have to wait until every concern about your child is resolved to give them some attention. Start with one honest answer, one thoughtful question, or one small commitment to something that matters to you. That’s how a different kind of week can begin.

At Extraordinary Purpose, our parent coaching program helps you reconnect with yourself, strengthen communication and connection, and lead your family with greater intention. If you feel stretched thin, find yourself reacting more than you want to, or aren’t sure how to support your child while making room for your own life, we would love to talk with you. Based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, we offer virtual coaching for parents and families nationwide.

Sometimes families also want someone outside the parent-child relationship to support their young person. Our life coaching for young adults helps them explore who they are, build confidence, find direction, and practice taking greater ownership. During a discovery call, we can explore whether support for you, your child, or both would be helpful.

Schedule a free parent discovery call. Tell us what’s been weighing on you and what you’d love to see change. We’ll listen and help you explore what support could look like for you and your family.

This article grew out of our conversation on the Extraordinary Purpose Podcast. Explore the podcast for parents of teens and young adults, and look for “Off Script With Chris & Erin: Parenting, Life & Big Dreams.”

About the authors: Erin Verdis and Chris Adang are the founders of Extraordinary Purpose, professional life coaches, and parents of four teens and young adults. They bring more than 20 years of combined experience supporting young people, parents, and families.